It's My Party, I Can Cry If I Want To, I Cut My Hair Instead.

It's my birthday today. I hate my own birthdays.

I know it's a reason to be happy. To celebrate. To be with friends (amazingly, tonight, I did just that)

But the funny thing is, as usual, I dont feel happy. I know I should be. I guess being alive, no, having the chance to live another year is a blessing. Some of my friends doesn't have the chance. I guess it's about time to leave the dead for the dead and cherish the friends that I still have. Living, breathing friends who are happy to be with me because I am me. But who am I exactly? After 28 years, I dont know. It could be this, or it could be that. I'm not sure.

Someone asked me what's my wish for this year... Though I didn't answer him, I wish everyone I know and who knows me to be happy. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. As for myself, I would like to know the meaning of this life. The things I did, said and all the things I shouldn't have said and done, the things that I should've said and done.

Such a life, but it's all I could offer to my God if it ends any time soon.

So another meaningless year passed by and suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, while my friends were singing the happy birthday song for me, I was struck from above and below, side to side and front to back, by everything that had happened to me, last year. All the experiences, all the feelings, the good deeds and the bad. All at once. It's like being trapped between a rock and a very hard surface.

So they say age is just numbers. True, but they can change your way of thinking in a profound way.

So I sat there while they sang, while covering my face with my hat, I was screaming with a voice that no one hears and a broken spirit.

Maybe I'll be here again next year. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out- that is to continue living.

Yes, I tend to drift. So back to the question that the guy asked me- what is my wish for this year? Well, I dont know what will happen for this year, maybe I'll still be here, maybe I wont. So at this very moment, I want to be my biggest fan. I want to live how people around me assumes how I live. I want to be everything like me and more.

So Happy birthday Lisham- for someone who doesn't really exists, you're doing OK.