I Give Up

I am so depressed.

I am so depressed because I don't know what's making me depressed.

I took a test on what's my Radio DJ personality.


Here's the result.


"If you’re anything like your radio DJ alter ego we’ll try to say this quickly just in case you go off on a humorous rant.


We bet there are times when you have a mischievous twinkle in your eye, and not always when your mind is dwelling on matters best left off air.


However, we are picking up a certain edge of charm about you and this probably allows you to get away with more things than most.


To follow Jonathan’s example, if you can’t say your “R’s” then why mind your “P’s and Q’s”?


There is also a chance that you enjoy a laugh at other people’s expense from time to time, but fortunately this is balanced out by your ability to laugh at yourself.


We just hope that you don’t share “Wossy’s” sense of fashion, but even if you do, we’re sure you’ll be able to carry it off with aplomb, and probably have the nerve to have a dig at someone else’s outfit!"


Yeah, right... Who the fook is Jonathan Ross?


I also took a depression test... The result-


Your answers reflect the presence of significant depressive symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation.


I took this test too- How Suicidal Are You.


"Good lord...people who come to you for help are looking for serious answers to some pretty fucked up questions. You are suicide via electricity in the bathtub.


Not only do you offer no promises, but when you actually decide to make yourself useful, you blow people away.


It's hard to imagine the kind of sick desperation that leads people in your direction. They're probably really old and can't be bothered to muster much energy of their own.


At your best, you're a massive radio built in the '70s...channeling the full brunt of household electricity when dropped into water...or accidentally tipped over by a fucking cat.


At your worst, you're some newfangled piece of shit from Target. You know...complete with safety triggers and all those other sissy safety gadgets.


My advice to you? Invest some time in computers. There's just got to be a way for you to do your job in the 21st century. "


While another test that I took says-

Your score is 79. There is a real risk of suicide in this case and you definitely needs to seek some sort of professional help. Try going to your parents, or a guidance counsellor to get help for yourself.

Note to self:

My horoscope today says August 01, 2007

You will be full of good energy today, and you should be prepared to use it!

Though you're full of good energy, you may find it difficult to focus on any one task today. If you have the luxury of letting your mood lead the way, go for it! Otherwise, you may go pretty slowly.

My friends' Horoscope says August 01, 2007

Simple misunderstandings can create some complicated situations -- be clear today.

Your job seems to take over your life today, but not in a terrible way. You may see a new career opportunity, or find that there are aspects of work that are much more enjoyable than you had previously thought.

A Photographic Reminder...

This is a very expensive photo.

To get this photo, I've worked like mad, severed a few good friendships, being hated by friends I still have. Suffered physically and mentally.

Still suffering.

Is it worth it?

Maybe money isn't everything after all.

Today my horoscope says July 31, 2007


Looking for a good way to spend the day? Spend time with your favorite person: you!

You get some stunning (and original) insight into your moods. That's the great thing about being in a funk -- it can actually point the way to some pretty important self-realizations if you know how to use it correctly.

My friends' horoscope says July 31, 2007


If you feel as tif you're backed into a corner, focus on finding a creative escape.

Did you say that provocative thing precisely because you knew it would get you-know-who's goat? Naughty, naughty! The plain truth is that your tactic could backfire -- or bring untold rewards. You'll have to wait it out.

Must Everything Be Yes and No

In a world full of colours, some people still dwell on black and white, wrong and right, yes and no... It's a boring place to be here.

Whatever happened to the promised space?

I received a couple of text messages today, yesterday, last week. Not from the same person. I got them from different person. It's like if you don't do this and that, I'll do this and that to you. It's pressing. It's selfish and it's just plain silly. I'm not saying this just for the ones who are reading, because they're not the only ones. I am sick. I am tired of people. I just need some peace and I need it now. I need time to think and rethink about the next move.

So forgive me if I don't answer calls and reply text messages.

Just want to share a little bit of what I'm listening to right now. It's Let's Go to Bed by The Cure. Because that's where i want to be now. I'll be going after I finish typing this.

i'm shaking like milk
turning
turning blue
all over the windows and the floors
fires outside in the sky
look as perfect as cats
the two of us together again
but it's just the same
a stupid game

but i don't care if you don't
and i don't feel if you don't
and i don't want it if you don't
and i won't say it
if you don't say it first

you think you're tired now
but wait until three...
laughing at the christmas lights
you remember
from december

all of this then back again
another girl
another name
stay alive but stay the same
it's just the same
a stupid game

but i don't care if you don't
and i don't feel if you don't
and i don't want it if you don't
and i won't play it
if you don't play it first

you can't even see now
so you ask me the way
you wonder if it's real
because it couldn't be rain...
through the right doorway
and into the white room
it used to be the dust that would lay here
when i came here alone

but i don't care if you don't
and i don't feel if you don't
and i don't want it if you don't
and i won't say it
if you don't say it first

doo doo doo doo
let's go to bed!
doo doo doo doo
let's go to bed!


Note to Self: There's no point in taking todays' baggage into tomorrow.

Another note: Fook, as I was sitting infront of my pc just now... A stupid flying roach flew into my living room, landed on my feet and crawled up my track bottom. Sheesh... Last time it was a kitten, now a roach... So many animals wanna get into my pants...

Why's it so hard...

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am both angry and sad. Mostly angry.

I need more space. I need something/someone to confine me. I want both. At the same time. I am a very confused people person at the moment. i want someone. At the same moment I wish people would just leave me alone. Just forget about me. I'd like to crawl into some place dark and I wish people would just forget about me.

It's because of a stupid thing called love. Everybody loves to love. In one form or the other. I love my pitcher plants because they'd die on me if I forgot to water them. It teaches me discipline- the same thing why I moved out from my parents' place because they don't think I dont have much of that. It's too smothering. I hate it.

So there. Love and hate in on 1 paragraph. Now we're getting somewhere. Love and hate.

Falling in love is easy. It feels good too. Those butterflies in the tummy feeling. That's nice. It's cute. But staying in love. Well, that's the hard part. I won't even go into the fights, the quarrels, the break-ups, the make-ups. My mind can't deal with it right now. I can't even do simple housechores. I hate this feeling. I hope it will go away soon.

Hope is a feeling that you have when you have a feeling that what you're feeling is temporary.

They should put that in a dictionary.

I missed my friends. But at the same time, out of no reason at all, I find myself easily bored and easily annoyed nowdays. So I rather be alone, for now. For how long, I don't know.

It's like this- 1 joke went too far- OK, I wont reply your text messages for a week. You dont answer my call- OK, FINE! I'll delete your number from my phone book, because I dont answer to calls from numbers that are not in my phone book. Too pushy- I'll pound you to the ground with a silent treatment. I say I like you- Your answer is neither yes or not- FINE, I'll go to bed with your best friend instead, but I will call you later to tell you all about it. I'm good at exagerrating things.

It's like mid life crisis a couple of decades too early. It's like living with a terminal case of cancer. You know you're in pain, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Anyway, I think what I should do now, is just to let it be. If it's still there. It's there. If it's gone. Just move on. Got to be extra careful next time. For some people, it's all fun and game. For someone with a lot of friends, losing 1 or 2 would mean nothing. I don't have much friends. I'd like to have more. But more friends means more problems. Friends are like money. They're valuable and like money, they're easy come, easy go.

Anyway, it's time for another dose of sleeping pills. Again.

This is the time when I'll go to bed asking myself over and over... Why is it so hard?


Why's it so hard to love one another
Why's it so hard to love

What do I have to do to be accepted
What do I have to say
What do I have to do to be respected
How do I have to play
What do I have to look like to feel I'm equal
Where do I have to go
What club do I have to join to prove I'm worthy
Who do I have to know

I'm telling you brothers, sisters
Why can't we learn to challenge the system
Without living in hate
Brothers, sisters
Why can't we learn to accept that we're different
Before it's too late (first time only)
Why's it so damn hard (all other times)

What do I have to learn to know what's right for me
What do I have to know
What am I going to do when I feel righteous
Where do I have to go
Who should get to say what I believe in
Who should have the right
What am I going to do with all this anger
Why do I have to fight

Bring your love, sing your love
Wear your love, share your love

Bring your love, sing your love
Wear your love, show your sister how

Brothers, sisters, what do I have to say
Brothers, sisters, how do I have to play
Brothers, sisters, who should have the right
Brothers, sisters, why do I have to fight

Why's it so hard to love one another
Love your sister, love your brother

Why's it so hard to love one another
Why's it so hard to love

Sing your love
Share your love

Love your brother now
Show your sister how
Love your brother now
Show your sister

My horoscope for today says July 30, 2007

If you can be prepared for your mind to wander, you'll be able to maintain focus.

Doing something for your own good might stick in your craw at first, but once you bite the bullet, you'll feel so much better. Take that initial step. It might take an unusual method to get there, but so be it.


My friends' horoscope says July 30, 2007

Someone will do something that affects your reputation poorly today -- get ready.

Helping out your so-called opponent is actually a sure-fire way to make you the victor in this situation. But wouldn't you know it? They have exactly the same idea! It's amazing what generosity you can both display.

Day Two Hot and Happening

Ok. Before anything else,

Note to self: if you talk to people, it's better to stop before you bore people or better still, before you feel bored with people.

What I did today. Hot and Happenin' Weekend in Langkawi 2007. I dont want to talk about it anymore. What's done is done.

Then came home at almost midnight. Had a very long conversation with someone. About money, about life, love, relationships, "relationshits", whatever. Got bored, hung up the phone.

Angry. I'll take sleeping pills after this and sleep my life away for tonight.

Like water, my heart is. Stir gently, it's a calming wave. Soothing. Feels good. Stir too much, it'll put out a storm.

I hope I'll never wake up tomorrow.

My horoscope for today:

July 28, 2007

Money might make the world go around, but today it won't have much effect on you.

From certain lights this looks like the greatest opportunity ever, but from others, it also looks like a foolhardy risk. What to do? The stars say it's important to gamble if it makes you grow. So does it?

My friends horoscope:

July 28, 2007

You're physically strong today; your intellect is temporarily taking a back seat.

Bring a spirit of cooperation to a difficult negotiation. You've been waiting for your adversary to be more forthcoming, but he or she's been looking for reassurance. Be the bigger person and make that first move

My horoscope for July 29, 2007

When you work with others today, encourage different ideas and discourage gossip.

Hearing the word 'no' just makes you rise to the challenge -- you're going to find a way to get a 'yes' no matter what! It'll take some ingenuity and persistence on your part, but the stars say you're on the right path.


My friends' horoscope for July 29, 2007

People act as if their thoughts are set in stone, but their opinions are changeable.

Time is your greatest ally. Not only does it heal all wounds (Really. It does.), but it'll help you see whether these current events are as dramatic as they initially appear. Be patient and see it through.

Note to self: If you feels like breaking something tonight, go ahead, knock yourself.

As someone from my past once said to me "you don't have a future, you'll never amount to anything..." I'll remember this and of course, I remember the rest.

Hot and Happening Day 1

My friends' horoscope says- July 27, 2007


The hard choices are behind you! Today, bask in the glow of a clear conscience.

A gruff exterior hides a treasure trove of wisdom. It might take some time to work your way past the surface details with this person, but once you do, you'll see why it was worth the effort. Lavish them with kindness.

July 28, 2007

You're physically strong today; your intellect is temporarily taking a back seat.

Bring a spirit of cooperation to a difficult negotiation. You've been waiting for your adversary to be more forthcoming, but he or she's been looking for reassurance. Be the bigger person and make that first move.


My own horoscope says- July 27, 2007

You'll need to deal with something that is not your responsibility -- do it well.

You know what your mother would tell you to do. Your best friend would do the exact opposite. The real question is, what do you honestly want to do? Your choice may lie somewhere in the middle. Figure it out.

July 28, 2007

Money might make the world go around, but today it won't have much effect on you.

From certain lights this looks like the greatest opportunity ever, but from others, it also looks like a foolhardy risk. What to do? The stars say it's important to gamble if it makes you grow. So does it?

Note for the day-
I am so fookin tired. My kaki ches. My lutut aches... I'm aching all over. It feels good tho. It feels good to know what I know. I learned something too today. It feel good to share secrets with someone. True. But it feels great to know a secret and keep it to yourself.

Ok, let's see what I did today 0700hrs- woke up. 0850-went to the office dropped the news, picked up Ms. Sufinas' CD Bag. 0915 reached Langkawi Fair. 1005hrs- started working with a nasty stare from the organizers 1006-lupa diri and worked like mad and had a great time running around, fitting sponsored baju etc until 2200hrs. 2215 had a great cup of ice blended something afugatto at Starbucks with Miss Sufina until 2300hrs++. Reached home at about 2355, had a long (5 minutes++) chat with errr... biarlah rahsia for now. Said good night and continued typing this. After this I'll do the news and mandi and ZZZZZZ... My life today in a nutshell.

All in all, tho there are some things that were screwed up today, we did what we could and me and Ms. Sufina rocked. I saw Ms. Mirinda, Ms. Salwa + her "anak ikan", Miss Madonna, Miss Nurul, Mr. Shahir and Mr. Ibrahim and of course... Mr. Fairuz aka DJ Capri was there all day. Miss Sufina said Miss B was there. Miss Baby was also there.

I look forward for the next day, well actually, I'm waiting for something else. Life has got no meaning without it. Eating out (not in any way referring to sex-makan as in makan la...) doesn't feel as good without eat. You may think I'm talking about love, well, I have that liao... I am actually looking forward for pay day la... Broke broke... To the extend I am willing to do anything for money.

The problem with my family these past few days seems like a joke now. As I said to someone that night while I was feeling depressed, I'll laugh about it in a few days time, well, I'm laughing about it now. But come to think about it, to do what your parents wants just because they want it so bad, without considering what you want, what you need, what you can or cannot do, is something you should proceed with extra care. It's a dilemma. Your parents desire to see you happy and be well taken care of versus what you want for yourself. Good or bad. Sometimes what you want is not the best thing that you deserve. Most of the time what you get is not what you deserved. Maybe more, maybe less.

Parents wants what's best for their kids.

Well, I'm not a kid anymore so stop treating me like one. I am a man with feelings. I love, I laugh, I cry, I hate, I'm hurt. Just like everybody else.

Emotional preparation is under way. Got to be strong. As I always tell my friends, now I'm telling myself, This too shall pass.

End Note:

This deserves a weeks' worth of rerun... You'll have to get used to it, because I'm going to post it over and over again...

CANCER - The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. (yeah, you should hold on to me before I'm out of reach. I think now I'm comfortable being in someones' hands but who knows... Maybe tomorrow or some time soon, I might not be here anymore. So enjoy me "sikalang", while you still have me la)

Like they care...

July 26, 2007


If you have problems at work, don't stick your head in the sand. Speak up today.

You're feeling like quite the daredevil. The stars applaud your brio. Whatever risky and adventurous choice you make, you're well supported by the current astral vibrations. So go for the gusto and go all the way.


July 27, 2007

You'll need to deal with something that is not your responsibility -- do it well.

You know what your mother would tell you to do. Your best friend would do the exact opposite. The real question is, what do you honestly want to do? Your choice may lie somewhere in the middle. Figure it out.


Note to Self:

So this is it. Today's the day. The time to hesitate has passed.

What the Fook...

Tonight's the rehearsal and I'm nervous as hell. Gotta do something right now to get my mind off. Last night was a drama. Drama. Drama. Drama. Drama. I hate dramas.

A major (major as in life changing problem) came up. I didn't know who to talk to so I just call people randomly and ask someone out and scare the boxers off this fella by sharing. Yeah. I know. I'd probably laugh about this thing next week.

But, right here and right now it's scary enough. Hopefully it's a right thing to do.

Here's a horoscope for everybody,

I'm tired of mine. Always a good thing. But nothing happens.

VIRGO - The One that Waits

Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please.

Note to self: Remember the Virgo? Well, yes. Love to be "P". Lies all the time. Like eating out. Talks alot.

SCORPIO - The Addict

EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.



LIBRA - The Lame One

Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with ... u might end up crying...

Note to self: LIBRANS eats alot. Mood swings like newly greased swing. Unpredictable. Interesting and boring at the same time.



ARIES - The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.

Note to self: Lemme count, how many Arians have I dated. How many of my friends are Arians. They're sexy, misterious, available all the time. I wont have any relationships with Arians. Why keep one when you can have many? Nuff said.


AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water

Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.



GEMINI - Irresistible

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.


Note to self: Geminians are irresistable. I'm trying to resist one right now. OMG... I can't... I can't... Look at the pretty lights... I'm helpless.

CANCER - The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

Note to self: Errr... I know Cancerians are romantic. Willing to do anything in the name of love. Initially, that is. Falls in love like getting flu in rainy season. Well I am not a typical cancerian. I don't fall in love easily. I like to spend tho. I am the most caring people person you'll ever meet. Well, if you care for me, that is. If you don't, I could be standing by the roadside, having a fag, looking at you, even if you fell off you bike and having been run by a car or two. I'll be taking pictures for my gory pix collection. I could be that cruel. I also could cry like a baby, usually when nobody's watching, but that only happens maybe once a decade- That explains my neurotic behavior.

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around.Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

Note to self: Pisces... The partner for life? Is it april already? That supposed to be a joke, right?
The first pisces that I dated was the last. The biggest great white shark. A crib snatcher too. Micheal Jackson, regardless of his horoscope, is a pisces.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

Note to self: A good son/daughter. If the parents says no, they'll say no.


TAURUS - The Tramp

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!



SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying.

Wohoo...

My horoscope says:

July 25, 2007

If you're not getting the care you deserve, today you have to talk to the source.

Three versions of the truth always exist: yours, the other person's and what actually happened. Once you truly understand that, you'll be in on the cosmic joke. Even better, you'll have already moved on.



Note to Self:
Remember the little conversation between me and Ms. Sufina? The one where I asked her-Are we making a mistake? To which she replied- We should've quoted more...

Well it was approved with no question asked. Wow... so far so good but, my gaji will be in after dat function... Siao! No... Siao is the understatement of the year. It's more like siaox10. No still not enuff... How bout Siao with a captial letter times 100? OK. I'm overreacting. But siao is right.

On a more private note... Well it's private. But we're getting somewhere...

It's like something you've been wishing so hard about these past weeks and suddenly you have that person calling you, meeting you and telling what you want to hear. Well not exactly what you want to hear... More like the next best thing that could ever happen... Goodbye competition! Yay! It's scary what the power of the mind can do when suddenly what you wished for finally came true... Shud've wished for something else tho. Like suddenly being handed all-the-money-that-you-can-spend-in-a-life-time. That'll be nice. Hmmm...

Anyway, right after work I went to pick up a friend and he being kind enough to keep me company until my meeting at 6 which was being delayed to 6.45pm (which then delayed until like 7++pm). We were lepaking around Kampung Buku/Lubuk Semilang when suddenly I saw... Chickens.

A pair of chickens. knowing that the area got no kampung houses nearby... And judging from the size or the chicken, too small to be chickens, but too big to be bantam chickens, it could only mean 1 thing... Jungle fowls- Wild chickens! How rare! Only when I look at the pix on my pc that I noticed the female chicken got, guess what? White spot on its' cheek...



Hmm... Jungle fowls... How wild...

Do I Need to Ask?

My horoscope for today says
July 24, 2007

Self-nurturing can't always be put on the back burner. Take care of yourself today.

Sometimes mixing it up creates delicious combinations such as chocolate peanut butter cups. Other concoctions might not be so scrumptious. The thing is, you'll never know the results unless you try.

Note to self:

Right!

Just woke up.

Had a busy day and a boring night yesterday.

My day is typically busier (for my day) nowdays. Yesterday I woke up, dragged myself to work, being forced to record a sajak (poetry reading)for Independence Month, after work went for Hot and Happenin' Weekend in Langkawi meeting, met a couple of interesting people. I asked Miss Sufina- "Are we making the right decision?"- to which she replied- "We should've quoted more".

I guess our state of mind at the moment, almost always reflect on the decisions we tend to make.

Then to my suprise... She did something that caught me off-guard and felt like covering my face/whole head with paperbag. Sighs.

You can run and you can hide, but you can't stop people from making assumptions, which will lead to questions, which will trap back you if you're being honest with your friends. It's was an an ENTRAPMENT!

So aftert the meeting, went to see the site around Langkawi Fair.

Then I went for makan with Ms. Sufina at the Lake. Then it drizzled and we made a move. She went back and I went to see Ms. Mirinda at Jai's. Then we walked around town and I went back. I tried to call a friend but no answer so I went home.

I recieved an sms, apologising for not picking up the phone. What the hell. Replied-
OK. Nevermind. You're busy. I'm busy. See you when I see you.

Hopefully it doesn't sound as cold and cruel as I want it to be. I just want it to be, but just for a little bit.

I'm so sick. I am so tired. I am so sick and tired of everything.

I could sit here and write more. But, I got to drag myself to shower. As it has been raining these past few days, bathing in the morning feels like self-torture. I love it. I am after all, masochistic.

Horoscope or Horrorscope

I woke up with this in my mailbox....

CANCER MAN

The most sensitive man and the weakest emotional type in all Zodiac.

Most Artists are Cancer.

Most Artists are Cancer.

Cancer is controlled by the "Moon" and the moon change it's shape daily, so Cancer man's emotional and moods change all the time too. You will be confuse with him and yet it is his constantly changes that "Charm" on you.

He never go to get what he wants directly, but he will wait for a chance and opportunity to do so. Once he gets what he wants, he will not loose it, except if he get tired of it by himself.

The most sensitive man who can not stand rejection. He cares what other people feel or think of him. He hates loosing face and he tends to over protected himself, so sometimes people might think he is a cold person.

Gifted, creative, imaginative, is Cancer. A mystery and complexity play a major role in a life of a Cancer man.

He could be very funny, very quiet, suddenly very sad. Living with him could be very unexpected, for you will not know what is his next mood.

If you like excitement and surprise, you have the right guy and never have a chance to get bored. He thinks of his home as "nest" and it is the safest place for him.

If he feels hurt or depress he will stay at home alone quietly.

If he feels hurt or depress he will stay at home alone quietly.

Once he feels better, he will come out of his retreat and lives normally again. Being a loser is not him.

It is so easy to fall in love with this guy because he is gentle and a very polite guy. His wit and creative mind could win your affection.

He will come out from his nest to protect you even if he is not opening himself up to other people much.

Not many people will win his heart.

Not many people will win his heart.

His security is only when he has money in his pocket. Once he feels secure then he might think of having a happy family.

Even he likes to make and keep money, he is not stingy. Spending money is part of his good image, so he will be happy to spent money to take you out to a very expensive restaurant or buy a jewelry for you.

Certainly when he has money. OK. He is possessive to everything's that he thinks belong to him. Don't try to talk to another cute guy in front of him, he will get suspicion because he is not very secure or confident in himself for this kind of competition.

Once you know each other too much, he will start to look for new excitement, but not to worry for he will always think of you. If he thinks you are the true love for him, and you try once to disappear. You will be sure he will come and look for you.

He is a shy guy, but if he likes you. You can get up in the morning and see that he is in front of your house everyday till you go out with him, a very persistent guy. He likes a secure, cheerful and lively woman, confident but at the same time always act proper and appropriate.

He likes a secure woman, but able to adjust to his rapid changes. A very difficult type to find woman indeed.

In the beginning, you and him will be so sugary sweet together and he will only think of you. This so "super romantic" will not last forever, so don't slip this chance.

If you are the one who want his interest, then act and make yourself interesting. Be a supportive person and give him compliment sometimes, but not too much till he thinks you are not sincere.

Unlike many other Zodiac, if he is mad then you better get out of that room. He will calm down by himself.

Giving him a slight touch on his shoulders or concerned facial expression are enough.

He loves his mother, so try to be his mother favorite, but do not act like his mother!


Note to self:

How true! But the worst thing ever to happened to me is what's happening in my mind.

Nobody knows.

22 July 2007

11 days pass my 11th sweet 17 birthday...

Still waiting for my wish to come true. Still nothing happened.

Well, something happened, but, being a greedy, green eyed jealous human and a red blooded man, I WANT MORE!

Yes, I want more. It's something that money cannot buy. I wont mention it here though.

What I did today- Woke up super-early, took my time and went to work late, work-mumbling things, fooked up the cd player, finished work, said goodbye to the office people for like 20 times and finally leaving the office after 2 hours after I finished my work. Bought nasik kandaq, it was rained like mad at that time. Reached home and stripped. Wanted to sleep so bad but afraid terlajak as I have another round of work at 10pm.

Made a few calls.

Made a big cup of coffee, extra sweet with extra creamer. It was raining.

Stop at Awes' daughter birthday bash for a bowl of mee kari. Still raining.

Went to work. I actually enjoyed myself tonight. After work stayed to do the quotation with Ms. Sufina. Done. On the way home, made another call. Reached home. Stripped. Sat infront of the PC and update my blog.

So what shall we do now? Hmm...

Let's see what my horoscope says today.

July 23, 2007

Your indecisive phase is continuing today, and it might frustrate a few people.

Is this matter really as urgent as you believe? The truth is that you have more time (and more options) than you think. Investigate all the possibilities, no matter how unrealistic or outlandish you think they are.

Note to self:

If it's real, it'll still be there no matter what.

Yeah, but waiting is like, well, waiting. It's boring, it's lonely. It's mentally draining. Mental exhaustion is worst than physical exhaustion.

I know.

Maybe I should go out alone more. Meet new people. Yeah, that'll do me good. I need to get out of here. A week alone in Cameron Highlands would do me good. Anywhere looks good from here and now.

Seriously.

I Dont/Wont Remember Today, So I Write It Down.

My horoscope today says

July 22, 2007

Caution is an important ingredient in any partnership, and today that is doubly so.

Some temptations should be yielded to -- especially if you sense it's a necessity in the making. What's the difference? Allure isn't detrimental to your life, but it can be life changing.


My friends' horoscope says

July 22, 2007
If you get your feelings hurt today, it's important not to retaliate too quickly.

Money matters can make personal interactions unnecessarily complicated. Don't keep this issue on a slow burn. It's time to step up and get things out in the open so you and your peeps can enjoy life.

Note to self:

Too blurry to make notes.

Went to work as usual, feeling deprived, the only place I feel where I really belong is in my dreams. Met a few people there, most of them are dead, at least they're friendly, most of them.

So as I said, went to work to find myself in a room with radio drama actors and actresses having their rehearsal.

After work, spent 15 minutes in hesitation thinking, should I attend Mr. Syadris' wedding in Chandek Kura or not. I went and drove in semi-concious state of mind in the rain. Ms. Halina once said she actually drove from her work place to Kuah without having any memory of doing so. I guess that happened to me today.

I said hi, makan and left without saying goodbye.

On the way back, I burned my x-zone (that'll be my crotch) when I dropped my ciggy and almost swerved my car into a truck. But it's OK as it happened right infront of the hospital.

And the best part of the day, as soon as I reached my home, closed the door, stripped, took 3 sleeping pills and ZZZzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzz.... until...

(Rock Guitar Solo)
Imagine me and you,
I doI think about you day and night,
it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

My new ringtone la...

The phone rang at 0037hrs, I woke up and almost threw the phone out of my open window.

Usually I'll be pissed off when people called me after 10pm. Extremely pissed if the call was made without any real reason(s). But the person who called me wanted to say HI, ask me what are you doing? How're you feeling? Nothing important at all.

Instead of getting pissed, I smiled, and went to the loo to pee. Same concept, different approach.

Flush. Nothing happened. No water.

Tried to check my mail, no connection.

I love it.

And now I think I wanna go back to bed and take another 3 of the wonder pills. I know my kidneys will hate me for today.

But that's life. You either love it or hate it. But you have no choice but to do it. When you realise everything is dying, it puts a whole new meaning to the word "living". You could either value life more, or you could say, fook it, it's dying anyway.

Accident of the Mind or issit a Psychological Hazard

Yesterday was the worst hit. I've been depressed for no real reason lately. So I was hoping to forget. I'm still trying. My phone rang very late last night.

A familiar voice asking me out. Well that's normal. A caring friend knows I'm not being myself lately. How caring.

What's unfamiliar about the call is that the liberal use of the word "date". I mean I think I'm open to anything and everything, which means I'm liberal to a certain degree, but this?

Ok. So maybe I misheard things. So in the midst of a very late dinner, somewhere noisy...

A: We have to talk.

B: We're talking, right?

A: Not like this.

B: What about?

A:I know what I am going to tell you right now, will change our friendship forever. After tonight, you may like me even more, or maybe you'll hate me and refuse to talk to me anymore. That's the risk that I'm willing to take. I just can't go on and pretend there's nothing there. Because there are things that has been going on in my mind.

B: (Suspiciously nodding.)

A:Many things crushing me at one.

B: (Raises eyebrow.)

A:So now that the moment has come, I dont know what to say. I mean I know what I want to say but I don't know the best possible way to say this without scaring you away. You dont have to say anything, just listen.

B: (Keeping it cool though palms are sweating profusely.)

A: So here goes...

B: (Hands frantically reaching for wallet, in case have the need to pay the bill and run. Run fast and never look back.)

A: I like you alot. I like you in that way. I know it's not mutual. Mutual as in I'm feeling it, but you're not.

B: (Try to breathe out slowly, but let out a very audible sigh of relief.)

A: So now you know.

B: Yes. Now I know. I didn't expect that. Ah... Errr... Gee.. I thought you wanted to borrow some money.



The moral of the story.

No matter how you prepare yourself mentally, you'll never anticipate the real outcome of a projected situation.


So here's when I imagined myself in the conty and pressing the "S" but while announcing that we'll be back after this song, Accidentally in Love by the Counting Crows



So she said what's the problem baby

What's the problem I don't know

Well maybe I'm in love (love)

Think about it every timeI think about it

Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this

Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)

Makes me wanna turn around and face me

but I don't know nothing 'bout love



Come on, come on

Turn a little faster

Come on, come on

The world will follow after

Come on, come on

Cause everybody's after love



So I said I'm a snowball running

Running down into the spring that's coming all this love

Melting under blue skies

Belting out sunlight

Shimmering love



Well baby I surrender

To the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well I didn't mean to do it

But there's no escaping your love



These lines of lightning

Mean we're never alone,

Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on

Move a little closer

Come on, Come on

I want to hear you whisper



Come on, Come on

Settle down inside my love



Come on, come on

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on

We were once

Upon a time in love



We're accidentally in love Accidentally in love (x7)



Accidentally

I'm In Love,

I'm in Love,

I'm in Love,

I'm in Love,

I'm in Love,

I'm in Love,

Accidentally (X 2)



Come on, come on

Spin a little tighter

Come on, come on

And the world's a little brighter

Come on, come on

Just get yourself inside her love ...

I'm in love

Note to self:

Abang Chik is getting married today.

How I wish I could be there to see him off.

But that's going to happen in KL today.

He'll be back in SP on July 28. I make such a best friend, huh? He's getting married and here I am in Langkawi.

Like wow! 13 years, many many memories, some good and some bad, mostly bad at the time, but looking back, I'll always remember him as the kid, who shat in his pants, in the middle of the mangrove swamp, that morning, 13 years back.

Selamat Pengantin Baru, Abang Chik.



You're the brother I never had. I know I'll cry on your wedding, even if I'm not there.

Comparing Notes...

My horoscope says...
July 20, 2007

Sure, things are not going smoothly now, but chaos offers a lot of inspiration.

Some good old-fashioned romance is just what you need to soothe your heart and soul. Unattached? Not a problem. Take yourself out for a lovely night on the town, or better yet, stay in. Indulge yourself.

My friends' horoscope says...
July 20, 2007

Positive vibes hit you early this morning, and the energy may overwhelm you a bit!

Saying nothing is tantamount to giving this person false hope. It's never easy to be the one to say no, but giving an honest answer is the fair thing to do -- both for yourself and for the other party.


My horoscope says...
July 21, 2007

Focus more on the issues that are going on around your home. Keep it peaceful.

You have a decision to make, but who says you have to make it right away? Weigh all the pros and cons. Most importantly, think about the possible ramifications. What can you live with in the long run?


My friends' horoscope says...
July 21, 2007

What are your thoughts on a new revelation from a friend? Give it time to sink in.

Yes, you can get it done on your own, but if you ask someone for help, you can accomplish twice as much in half the time. Not only that, if others know what you're doing, new and much-needed resources might come your way.

Note to self: Somehow this song seems so appropriate for the moment...

That's The Way Love Goes


Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?
That's the way love goes
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?

Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire
That's the way love goes
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
That's the way love goes
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?

Come with me
Don't you worry
I'm gonna make you crazy
I'll give you the time of your life

I'm gonna take you places
You've never been before and
You'll be so happy that you came

Oooooh, I'm gonna take you there
Oo-ooh hoo-ooh oo-ooh
That's the way love goes
Hoo
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes

Don't mind if I light candles
I like to watch us play and
Baby, I've got on what you like

Come closer
Baby closer
Reach out and feel my body
I'm gonna give you all my love
Ooh sugar don't you hurry
You've got me here all night
Just close your eyes and hold on tight

Ooh baby
Don't stop, don't stop
Go deeper
Baby deeper
You feel so good I'm gonna cry


Oooooh I'm gonna take you there
Oo-ooh hoo-ooh oo-ooh
That's the way love goes
Hoo
That's the way love goes
That's the way love goes it goes it goes
Oooh that's the way love goes
Reach out and feel my body
That's the way love goes
Dontcha know
That's the way
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire
Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire My love is blind
Can't you see my desire?
That's the way love goes


p/s: this is driving me mad...

Feels like It's Over, Even If It's Not

Here's a photo narration I've put up to remind me, to never, ever change something, anything about one self for whatever reason(s), real or imagined.


This is how I looked like before I go to bed on my birthday. Yes, I look like this before I go to bed... I think I'm handsome. Sorry for the semi nudity, I love taking pictures of the top half of myself not wearing anything.


10 minutes before I went on air on that day. That's me with the Technician Crews and Miss Saggie B.


With the woman of my dream (well of of them, hehehe...) My kakak- Ms. Mohani @ Syooks' (That's one hell of an attention grabbing handbag... Nice!)


Me at the barbers' just before I got up and made a 100meters mad dash towards the door, being hit by a truck as I was running and being single handedly dragged by Ms. Sufina back inside and she tied me to the chair.


If you look closely, there are hints of regret there on my face... That's me and Ms. Mirinda trying to look as sexy as possible in public.


Me after a week of going under the snip snip incident. Regret, yes. By the way, this pix is not taken in a loo. No. I dont do loo photo shoot. That's the wall of a makan place called Naga Mas. Should've take back my hair and put it in public auction. I'm broke. I know I'm always broke. Now I'm broke, broke.

How True...

Today my horoscope says: July 19, 2007


If you're itching to get started on something new, that's good -- but be careful.(TOO LATE!)

Are you holding onto a lingering slight? Any buried resentments are holding you back from making progress, especially when your personal life is involved. Be honest with yourself when it comes to the past. (YEAH, RIGHT!)

NOTE TO SELF: Write something and forget about all this. Easier said than done. Ok, try remember this as the stupidest thing ever to happen. Remember how shitty this shitty feeling feels like. Remember it well so it wont happen again.



Your lipstick, his collar.. don't bother Angel

I know exactly what goes on



When everything you'll get is

everything that you've wanted, princess

(well which would you prefer)

My finger on the trigger, or

(me face down, down across your floor)

Me face down, down across your floor

(me face down, down across your floor)

Well just so long as this thing's loaded



And will you tell all your friends

you've got your gun to my head

This all was only wishful thinkin,

this all was only wishful thinkin

And will you tell all your friends

you've got your gun to my head

This all was only wishful thinkin,

this all was only wishful thinkin

let's go...



Don't bother trying to explain Angel

I know exactly what goes on when you're on and

How about I'm outside of your window

(how about I'm outside of your window)

Watchin him keep the details covered

You're such a sucker (you're such a sucker)

for a sweet talker, yeah



And will you tell all your friends

you've got your gun to my head

This all was only wishful thinkin,

this all was only wishful thinkin

(the only thing that I regret is that I, I never let you hold me back)

And will you tell all your friends

you've got your gun to my head

This all was only wishful thinkin,

this all was only wishful thinkin



Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me

I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me

I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me

I know you well enough to know...



Why can't I feel anything

from anyone other than you?

Why can't I feel anything

from anyone other than you?



And all of this was all your fault

And all of this



(I stay jealous)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason

I just need to keep you in mind

as something larger than life

(she'll destroy us all before she's through

and find a way to blame somebody else)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason

I just need to keep you in mind

as something larger than life

(she'll destroy us all before she's through

and find a way to blame somebody else)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason

I just need to keep you in mind

as something larger than life!

Pesky Flies with Bow and Arrow

"Penitent- Feeling or expressing remorse for one's misdeeds or sins"


Once I stood alone so proud

held myself above the crowd

now i am low on the ground.


From here i look around to see

what avenues belong to me

I can't tell what ive found.


Now what would You have me do

i ask you please?

I wait to hear.


The mother, and the matador,

the mystic, all were here before,

like me, to stare You down.


You appear without a face,

disappear, but leave your trace,

i feel your unseen frown.


Now what would you have me do

I ask you please?

i wait to hear

your voice,

the word,

you say.

i wait to see your sign

would i

obey?


I look for you in heathered moor,

the desert, and the ocean floor

how low does one heart go.


looking for your fingerprints

i find them in coincidence,

and make my faith to grow.


Forgive me all my blindnesses

my weakness and unkindnesses

as yet unbending still.


struggling so hard to see

my fist against eternity

and will you break my will?


Now what would you have me do

i ask you please?

i wait to hear

your voice,

the word

you say

i wait

to see your sign

could i

obey?


I know this song's been here once before... But somehow, songs of the moment always have a scary way of reflecting out feelings.

Some feelings are very like a precious flower. They should be nurtured, protected and cared for.

While some feelings are like weed. They need to be plucked out and throw into a raging fire.

Like this song

Blowing Kisses in the Wind- Useless, Worthless thing to do, Supposedly a Romantic Gesture- but then again, romance exists only in movies and songs. It's dumb and it makes people go dumb.



So tell baby tell

Your true heart

Say what you say

When youre all alone
Im trying

Trying to try

And feel you

And see if I see

Im feeling alone

And all I want is

To get through

So baby, youd see that the

Way youre leaving me

It wont do

Its like im...


Blowing kisses in the wind

Giving you love that you

Havent been given

I cross my heart

And hope to die

Im only wishing youd

Love me like i

Blowing kisses in the wind

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Waiting for you is

Like blowing, blowing kisses


So please baby, please

Release me

If time after time

Your hearts growing cold

Im saying

If you dont believe

In believing

Then how could true love

Ever be so

And all I want is

To get through

So maybe youd see that the

Way youre leaving me

It wont do

Its like im


Like Im like blowing kisses

Im some-biddy-bum-bum

Like Im blowing kisses

And all I want is

To get through

So maybe youd see that the

Way youre leaving me

It wont do

Its like im


Like Im blowing

Kisses in the wind

Like Im blowing

Kisses in the wind

Like Im blowing

Kisses in the wind

Waiting for you us

Is like blowing,

Blowing kisses

And as for the pix... I could do better. I could do worst. Much, much worst.

A Matter of Seven Working Days

So this is my new face. Gotta live with this face for the time being. I know. I look cool. In fact, I look younger than when I kept my hair longer. People been making such a fuss over the stupid hair-do change. But in a case of what's done is done, you'll have to live with it, but you don't have to like it.

Well anyway, what I did today... I got pissed off. But that's nothing new. I'm always pissed off about something. Sometimes I wish I could cry more. I read somewhere that crying is actually a form therapy.

I also read somewhere, when you have this urge to write, go ahead and write it down. You could mean what you write or you could not mean it. It's like rearranging your thoughts. It's like spring cleaning for the head. And my head is such a mess.

Sometimes I think it's time to put a stop to all of this nonsense. Sometimes I think it's about time to move on, move to some place new, create more new nonsense.

Back to the writing thingy, there are 2 options for you to consider, option 1, you can go ahead, knock yourself out and write, like what i did:

About Love.

Love is a rapture. No, love is like a serial rapist. Why? It's unlikely that one will be raped in ones' own bed, at home. I mean it happened before and is happening now but not often enough.

Love attacks and you'll never know when and where it'll jump on you and catch you by suprise. Then it throws you on to the cold hard concrete and rapes you.

Or it would take you by the hand and serenade you with some stupid love song and ask your permission and the moment you said yes, it'll proceed to rape you.

That's not rape, that's making love. But if you feel a stab of regret when it's over, then it's basically a rape case.

My Point is- One can never be ready for love and the extra baggage it brings.

You could spend all your life looking for it and not find it. The closest, maybe you'll catch a glimpse of it.

Or, you could run from it, and it'll be waiting for you some where, ready to rape you.

So there, love is a rapist, with so many willing victims.

The End.

Option 2: When you feel the sudden urge to write creative stuffs, eat something sweet and the feeling will surely go away.

My horoscope for today ain't making any sense.

July 18, 2007


For most people, small details will be invisible today. Be ready to point them out.

Rearranging the facts can bring you a fresh insight. So play around with what you know as if all those pieces of knowledge were parts of a puzzle. Look at them from faraway and up close. See what you discover.

Note to self: Be kind to people. Do onto others' what you want them do onto you.

YEAH, RITE! I think do onto others before they do onto you is more likely. Enough with the self abuse already, I wanna start abusing other people from now on.

What I Said, What I Did, Right Or Wrong...

Ok... I know. I've been truely unthorough about my postings lately. I've written things, misleading things that mislead people, but I dont care about people, I care about my fellow readers, who are, fortunately are my friends.

So the real reason of this posting is because of a posting a few days back involving a vase, orchids, gerberras and the papery blue flowers and... And the color blue and I think about the person who loves the color blue.

I just have to say that, I always think of my friends (yes, even though I dont call/text/email them often) and I care for them a lot. I think I care for my friends even more than I care for myself. And I know that my friends care for me. I know they only want the best for me and I love them for it. I really, really, really, really love them. But sometimes, the best isn't always what we want. I feel love like everyone else. I feel what other people feel. Maybe more.

I think my past, my future and what I really am, doesn't change my relationship with people around me, people I dont know, I dont care. People I know and love.

I will never wish anything other than my friends to be happy. I wish my friends would wish me the same.

So there, the answer to all question is never always a yes or a no. I can go and tell people about what I did, what I'll do and more. But there's always be secrets.

A riddle concealed in a mystery, wrapped inside an enigma. Me.

Grrr.... Growl, Snarl, Roll Over, Play Dead...

So it's almost a week past my birthday and I'm still receiving gifts... What can I say? I thought I'm not so popular (mind you, among friends and co-workers) but I received a pen (in cool bronzish color that goes well with my dark outfit- color-coordinated to suit my suave needs... Haha...) from Miss B and a dancing giraffe toy from Che Nani.

Nothing interesting happened today. Went to work as usual, I was mumbling here and there as there's something's wrong with my eyes... It's kinda sorta like blurry. After work, was invited personally by Miss B to her office... Got tips on how to use wind and diaphragm, or is it diagphram? Whatever... News reading is not as easy as it seems especially when you're blessed with youthful, vibrant, cheerful voice... Radio Newsreaders who reads news for 10 minutes straight deserves better pay.

After office me and Ms. Leo went to LTAC to discuss about hosting the Hot and Happening Weekend 2007. It's confirmed. I'm officially Hot and Ms. Leo will be Happening over the weekend. After that I didnt know what to do so I asked a friend and we just drove around Langkawi. Kuah-Kisap-Durian Perangin-Ayer Hangat-Tanjung Rhu-Ulu Melaka- Chenang-Porto Malai-Chenang (stopped by and walked at the beach)-Bukit Malut-Kuah-Padang Pasir (Had roti kawin+susu lembu or in mamaks' tongue - susu lumbu). I had a wonderful time. Just got back and had to wake up at 6am later... Now it's 2.10am. I guess I better sleep now. Nite nite world.

July 16, 2007

You're no bargain-basement friend! Separate yourself from people who don't get it.

Children play a big part in your creative processes today, whether that means discovering a part of your own past or garnering inspiration from the kids in your life. It always helps to look around you with fresh eyes.

Note to self: No notes for tonight... Too P&C to share. P&C could be private and confidential, or it could be Problematic and Chaotic, or it could be Pelam and Cempedak, or Petai and Cuka, or even Potatoes and Cucumbers. But one thing I learned tonight is that- innocent looking people can talk foul but in a good way. Gotta write'em in my diary. Oh, I forgot, I didn't have one!

Another Battle Won...

What did I do today? Well, I woke up early, sat infront of the window looking out as it was raining. Then, I refelcted on my life, how it was back then and how I imagined it would be in the future. Did I say it was raining earlier today? I guess so, so after that brief reflection, I crawled back to bed but cannot sleep as this silent treatment towards someone is killing me. Literally. It gave me the "baddest" case of indigestion, throwing up liquid from both end ('cuse me... mouth and anus, mind you...)

After my obligatory breakfast of 2Cs (coffee and ciggies) I did 2 rounds of laundry and laid in bed. Too tired to do other stuffs, too frustrated to want to do anything anyway.

This thing on my mind, it's like a spiderweb, it's there, but it's not there but when you walk through it, it sticks everywhere. That's how I felt today. I cant remember the last time I cried but I remembered crying (yes, I know it's so unmanly to do it, but how else can you explain watery eyes? Ha?) before I fell asleep last night.

I remembered holding up my pillow and asking it- How much sadness do I have to take??? But that's before I realised how stupid it is and crawled out of bed and took 2 sleeping pills. I call it the celebrity syndrom.

Anyway, I think the heart is like a putty or plasticine wrapped in plastic. Make that 2 globs of plasticine, of different colors wrapped in a plastic bag. You squeeze both together until they're like one but they cant be one... Remember the plastic? They're whole, but not so. And then, you pry them apart... They'll be hollow somewhere.

It's like you think you're whole and complete and then you find someone that you fancy, you feel "wholer" and "completer" (if there's such term? Got ah?). And then suddenly that person was no longer there and you feel there's a hole inside you. Like cheese. yes, air buble holes. That was how I felt today. Hollow.

So I guess I was tired of it and I had to settle things and I did and I am oh so very extremely glad that I did.

And oh, today was the opening day for Starbucks at the Airport. Bought a lovely bouquet of white gerberras and those papery blue flowers and wild orchids. My favorite flowers in a cute little shallow glass container. I think they're sweet. Yes, blue is the favourite color of that certain somebody. Or so he said.

I'm still so not over by the loss of my hair. So if I keep my hair again... It'll be like in 2010 to get it to the length as it was. But what to do?

At least today I made truce with some one. Most importantly, I made truce with myself. Now for the next part... Maybe next month I'll be ready for it.


July 15, 2007

Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.

An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.

Note to self: Remember how you felt so bad today that it makes you sick? How many times you throw up today until you gave up and dragged that old plastic chair and sat infront of the toilet bowl?

Remember the tone of that certain somebody when they think you're about to disappointed them big time and the sparkle in their eyes when you unexpectedly changed your mind?

Remember how good it feels to make other people feel good?

And remember, if what you need or who you need, you can't have, maybe it's time for you to become that somebody yourself. People are like books. You can have them, read them, hate them, enjoy them but you'll never own them, you'll own the book but the words and the tales and the adventures they contain will never be yours.

Unless of course you wrote the book.

With so much things that had happened to me today, I wonder, maybe time doesn't exists equally for all of us. And time doesn't travel in a single straight line curved by us human in what we call clocks. It travels all around us... Side to side, going both up and down, all around us and even through us.

Sharing is Caring, everybody shares... but who cares

My Horoscope for the past few days when my mind was in such a turmoil.

Huh? "Turmoil", such a big word describing something small containing so much chaos. Too much chaos.

The story starts like this-


July 04, 2007

Be prepared for your mind to wander, and you'll catch all the day's curveballs.

If a certain situation is over, then let it be over. Stop hitting replay in your memory. It's time to eject that disk and move onto something new. If nothing else, at least notice how many times you think about it today.

Note to self :
If you dont intend to finish something, dont ever start. Playful and innocent as it seems, it's nothing playful when it comes to the matter of hearts. It could be yours, it could be someone elses.


July 05, 2007

Your good energy will inspire others today -- but you need to communicate it

No matter how much you would like to, you can't chase away emotion with new sensation. You have to deal with your feelings in a more adult fashion. So no impulse eating, shopping or acting out, okay?

Note to self:
Never ask someone out on a date if you dont intend to date him or her in the future. It's not a date, it's a one night stand, minus the sex.


July 06, 2007

When you see a person from your past, your good memory will spark a conversation.

You were so absorbed that you didn't notice how much time had passed. Wow! How did that happen, and can you get it to happen again? You'll find out if you keep at this fascinating new hobby.

Note to self:
If you have to do a recap on what happened to someone about something that happened last year, or the year before, even if you have photographic memory, skip the details, other peoples' memory ain't as good as yours. They may say you're lying. Lying is bad.


July 07, 2007

Your emotions are going to be volatile today -- it's a great day to be by yourself.

You feel as if you have all the answers, and that's fine -- only someone else may not agree. Before you get into an argument, test your hypothesis. That way you'll have a leg to stand on.

Note to self:
If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself. You're not Madonna (the superstar)! Only she can say - "Everybody is entitled to my opinion..." Even from her it sounded childish, lame and stupid, but she's filthy rich. It's OK for rich people, educated or not, to be like that.


July 08, 2007

You'll have all the energy you need to socialize today, but you won't have the time.

Someone's a delightful addition to your life -- for right now. You're not shallow because you know certain relationships have an expiration date. Appreciate this person for what he or she is and don't try and make it into more.

Note to self:
Saying something is like a prayer, a wish. Saying something over and over is like a chant. Yeah... Seven Working Days... Fook It!


July 09, 2007

Your charm is stronger than ever -- use it to your advantage in a social situation.

A lush accent, an exotic setting -- all of those things can be very tempting, especially when it comes to your wallet. You, however, are smarter and shrewder than that. Think about it before you hand the money over.

Note to self:
Dont over use your so-called charm, it might get you into trouble. Some people maybe mistaken for your casual gentlemanliness as an act of flirtiness.

Maybe you should start carrying small signages that says "Casual", "Serious", "We're Just Friends", "I Like You So and So Only La", "I Really Like You", "I Dont Know You, But I'd Like To" etc.


July 10, 2007

Keep walking on the wild side a bit more today, and you'll see that it can pay off.

A little taste of stability makes you hungry for more. Being responsible doesn't mean you have to be boring. If anything, when you're accountable for your actions, you have more freedom to discover who you really are.

Note to self:
When people gives you advice, like for example todays' horoscope, they didn't expect you to go overboard with the being honest thingy. Like everything in life, overdoing something is never a good thing. doing something half-heartedly is not a good thing too. So whatever you do, do it in the right quantity. There's a certain right dose of everything. You'll learn as you live. Or is it you'll learn as you leave?


July 11, 2007

Listen to your internal voice, and don't be afraid to share what you're feeling.

Someone's fast-talking ways and impeccable style bowl you over. Go ahead and let yourself get swept away in the whirlwind, but keep one foot on the ground. Sooner or later, you'll want your own life back.

Note to self :
"Hi, how are you? Can I take your order, sir?" Is not flirting! Maybe there's something more on how people look at your etc. but that's just people being nice to you because it's your birthday. Enough said.

And dont ever do something radical because someone you like asks you to. He or she might not like you anymore after that.


July 12, 2007

If you want something done right today, you are going to have to do it yourself.

So this isn't exactly a love triangle, but lots of complicated connections are happening right now, to say the least. Try sitting with it for a while. You have to know what's going on before you know how to fix it.

Note to self:
Doing something yourself doesn't mean you can do it the right way. What you can ask other people to do, you ask 'em to do. It's called delegating things you Einstein! Applicable when you want some free time for yourself getting busy doing absolutely nothing.

Love triangle? Come on!you know it's a love triangle even before you see the signs. Maybe you're blind. Maybe you're dumb. Maybe you're blind and dumb and mentally retarded.


July 13, 2007

As soon as you wake up in the morning, you'll feel full of high energy -- use it!

You haven't done anything wrong, so why do you feel guilty? That is a puzzle. It's time to look at the cycles of your moods. Something triggers this kind of emotion and it's time to figure out what it is.

Note to self:
When you're full of energy, do something that will surely benefit your personal growth. A hard-on doesn't count as one unless you're 80 years old and having a hard time to get it hard.


July 14, 2007

New beginnings are not always effortless, but this relationship has much potential.

You're not really sure what all this means, but who says you have to have all the answers anyway? A little ambiguity is good for the soul -- it keeps you on your toes. You can handle whatever this is.

Note to self:
Yes, a new beginning doesn't always effortless, for example, the solar system began with a big bang (considering the scientific facts and what not). Then there's the cooling off period as the planets cool down, some stays hot and some cools down, some cool down so much that they freeze. Then Earth got hit by the imaginary Thea and the moon was formed and water vapors and then millions or billions of years later single celled organisms and the multi-cellular lifeforms and then we humans got smart and crawled out of trees and walk upright and invented cheesecakes and Starbucks.


July 15, 2007

Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.

An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.

Note to Self:
Considering how dangerous everything is nowdays, nothing is frightening. Stay home. Do laundry (you might risk electrocuted), stay in bed (there's a risk of stroke due to lethargic way of life), stay in with a friend (your friend might suddenly lose sanity and stab you to death, be serious, you dont have any friends to take home anyway.), sit infront of the computer and type nonsense (you'll cut oxygen supply to your tiny brain and die because of hunching infront of the computer for too long). Enough!

Hitting the Bottom...

"Penitent"

Once I stood alone so proud
held myself above the crowd
now i am low on the ground.

From here i look around to see
what avenues belong to me
I can't tell what ive found.

Now what would You have me do
i ask you please?
I wait to hear.

The mother, and the matador,
the mystic, all were here before,
like me, to stare You down.

You appear without a face,
disappear, but leave your trace,
i feel your unseen frown.

Now what would you have me do
I ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word,
you say.
i wait to see your sign
would i
obey?

I look for you in heathered moor,
the desert, and the ocean floor
how low does one heart go.

looking for your fingerprints
i find them in coincidence,
and make my faith to grow.

Forgive me all my blindnesses
my weakness and unkindnesses
as yet unbending still.

struggling so hard to see
my fist against eternity
and will you break my will?

Now what would you have me do
i ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word
you say
i wait
to see your sign
could i
obey?

p/s: Never argue with an idiot, they're drag you down to your level and beat you with their experience.

Finally... A Nightmare Came True...

That's me with Ms. Mirinda @ Starbucks, she's looking like Janet Jackson and I'm looking like Marc Mcgrath of Sugar Ray. I've cut my hair that I've been keeping for almost 3 years. A few weeks short of 3 very long years.

Well, the real reason is because... I'm not telling.

Well anyway, the not so real reason is the work place received a circular about workers not being allowed to keep their hair long.

After I did the jump... I remembered waking up sweating and breathing heavily from a dream I had a few weeks back. Macy Gray was snipping away at my hair while commenting on my bad taste in color and style with her raspy voice. Well Macy Gray got her wish.

WTF. Should've said no to work and kept my hair. I'm gonna regret this more than 7 working days.

I could be in Sarawak or somewhere, enjoying myself, meeting new friends, job-hunting, just have a fresh start and forget about Langkawi, with my hair tied up, of course. Maybe staying here is making me soft.

There's a theory I read somewhere, birds that can fly, when they reach an isolated island will lost their ability to fly after some time. Living in isolation, absence of predator- there's no need to flee.

Maybe it's time to regrow my wings and fly away.

It's My Party, I Can Cry If I Want To, I Cut My Hair Instead.

It's my birthday today. I hate my own birthdays.

I know it's a reason to be happy. To celebrate. To be with friends (amazingly, tonight, I did just that)

But the funny thing is, as usual, I dont feel happy. I know I should be. I guess being alive, no, having the chance to live another year is a blessing. Some of my friends doesn't have the chance. I guess it's about time to leave the dead for the dead and cherish the friends that I still have. Living, breathing friends who are happy to be with me because I am me. But who am I exactly? After 28 years, I dont know. It could be this, or it could be that. I'm not sure.

Someone asked me what's my wish for this year... Though I didn't answer him, I wish everyone I know and who knows me to be happy. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. As for myself, I would like to know the meaning of this life. The things I did, said and all the things I shouldn't have said and done, the things that I should've said and done.

Such a life, but it's all I could offer to my God if it ends any time soon.

So another meaningless year passed by and suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, while my friends were singing the happy birthday song for me, I was struck from above and below, side to side and front to back, by everything that had happened to me, last year. All the experiences, all the feelings, the good deeds and the bad. All at once. It's like being trapped between a rock and a very hard surface.

So they say age is just numbers. True, but they can change your way of thinking in a profound way.

So I sat there while they sang, while covering my face with my hat, I was screaming with a voice that no one hears and a broken spirit.

Maybe I'll be here again next year. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out- that is to continue living.

Yes, I tend to drift. So back to the question that the guy asked me- what is my wish for this year? Well, I dont know what will happen for this year, maybe I'll still be here, maybe I wont. So at this very moment, I want to be my biggest fan. I want to live how people around me assumes how I live. I want to be everything like me and more.

So Happy birthday Lisham- for someone who doesn't really exists, you're doing OK.

N. Gracilis kot... Or It Could be N. x Ventrata

1. Picher Close-up

2. Another Pitcher Close-up

3. Comparisson of the whole Plant with N. x ventrata

4. Size Comparisson with a plastic chair.

N. Mirabilis ke ni?

I saved these (got 3 pots for RM30- that's RM10 each, plus another 2 n. x ventrata for a total of RM60. I kinda sorta rescued them from the auntie nursery owner as she cannot care for them... Got ulat munching the leaves, more dried leaves than green ones when I got them...

As you can see, the leaves got sopak-sopak merah (red speckles la) on the leaves exposed to Langkawi sun.

It's abit different from my N. mirabilis from Padang Serai.

Anybody can positively ID these as n. mirabilis?