Lights... Lights... Lighter... Lighter... Flash...

Someone told me, I may be tough, for people who don't know me. I am cold. Unmoved. I don't care about people. True enough. I am being myself. After years of figuring it out for myself, I think I've found myself. I am me. Whatever that means.

You know who you really're when you're alone. No pretending. Just yourself. That's when the real you comes out from all what you created for the people around you. Just an illusion. Just a play. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I've been sad. I've been happy. I've felt complete. I've been empty. I cared. I don't give a damn anymore.

Me fresh from the office.

Me in the officewear that shocked the whole office.

Me in minimal clothing. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Reflection Time

People will never be satisfied. One can be alone and happy, but most of us chose to be with somebody. Happily attached or otherwise, that's a totally different matter. One can be thin and not loved, one can be fat and not loved too. One can be ugly and still find love, but in reality, it's hard for ugly people to find love. Good-looking people are not as lucky too.

One can be faithful and unhappy. One can be unfaithful but yet have a wonderful life at home. One can be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely. One can be alone and still feel complete.

From one end to the other. One can swing to and fro, back and forth and still end up swinging. It's all about being human, in a totally unpredictable world.

Whatever i'm doing, I do it for me.

Like a heart needs a beat... Its Nothing New...

CMYK Says You Are the Colors of My Days and Nights...

Mamat took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "mamat's Existing Situation- Willing and adaptable. Only at peace when closely attached to a person, group, or organization on a which reliance can be placed. mamat's Stress Sources The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand his ground. He feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to him and from which he wants to escape, but he feels unable to make the necessary decision. mamat's Restrained Characteristics Feels listless, hemmed in, and anxious; considers that circumstances and forcing him to restrain his desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. mamat's Desired Objective Sets himself idealistic but illusory goals. Has been bitterly disappointed and turns his back on life in weary self-disgust. Wants to forget it all and recover in a comfortable, problem-free situation. mamat's Actual Problem The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. His inability to enforce his will causes him to over-react in stubborn defiance and by assigning to others all the blame for his own failures. Click here to read the rest of the results.

Of the BBQ Chicken and Buttered Rice Philosophy and The Truth

We all have our own problem. A few nights back Ms. Mirinda and I went to Papas' to try out some of his "famous" BBQ chicken with butter rice. It was good. It could be better, the chicken came out undercooked. It was tough to pick out the meat from the bones. So I asked it to be taken back to the kitchen. It arrived back with a second helping of rice on a new plate. Cooked to perfection.

So the lesson for that night was: Relationships are like BBQ Chicken, when it's undercooked, it's hard to separate the meat from the bones. Cook it well enough, even a slight stab with a fork or a knife will do the job. And dont forget, if you over cook it some more, you'll end up with something edible.

A test is a test, only when the chances of passing and failing is 50-50. Any outside influence favoring either turns it into something else.

If you push something away hard enough, long enough, often enough, it will soon go away.

It's amazing how many time you can get your heart broken, trampled, stabbed and not a visible scar showing.

I've waiting long enough. I've been pushed away often enough.

Scary Stuff...

If there are two MEs, the world will be a better place for myself.

One of me will be working while the other will be at home. Perhaps with my family.

If there are two MEs, I'd be cleaning my house, that'll make things easier and faster.

If there's two MEs, both will be working. Maybe one will do conty, while the other will do function. More money for me.

If there's two MEs, on the first day i realised there's more than one me, I'd scream "Oh my GOD! I've been cloned!"

Flash Back. Valentines Day

Me all dolled up and ready to run amok on stage for Love is Cinta Valetines' Night at Sheraton Langkawi Beach Resort.

Cute kan?

I sorta kinda look like my mom. Kah kah kah.

Me, from six in the morning until almost midnight. Penat giler.
Muka budak2 kelas depan says my cikgu friends.

Me, dengan comelnya posing ala2 anak Shrek.

Me again, lepas about 20 mins dalam bilik air, menyental muka penuh mekap. Dah lama tak buat modelling, lupa plaks betapa hazabnya menyental Creolan dari muka. Hehehe... Lepas ni, I terbungkang tido tak sedo apa2 dah until pagi. Best giler.

Post Valentines' at the Office...

I had a crazy day today. Got up early after a hard night ahem... entertaining people at Sheraton Langkawi Beach Resort. I practically borong habis the show. Muahaha... The magic's in the make-up babe (but that's a different story).

Then after waking up, showered up and went to the mechanics. Car's leaking engine oil. Menci tol! Then went makan with my baby. We ate at Kedai Hujung dunia. Got kari ayam kampung siot. Ada pedai ayam lagik. My baby kejam giler, dah la orang lama teringin nak makan pedai ayam. Time makan sambil tengah rancak nyembang ntah bila masa pedai ayamku my baby cilok. Kempunan ler.

Then hantar my baby balik, then went kerja lo. Kerja like usual. Routine liao. Busan tahap nak buat something totally crazy.

Dah habis kerja, maklum la, I kan AJK Keceriaan Pejabat, so bersosial dulu sebelum balik.

Time tengah sociallizing with kawan2 opis, I nampak something that caught my fancy atas meja Mr. Brahim... Pix (story continues below)...

That misterious thing. It's big (big compared to my wallet and lighter, but small je compared to... *Bleep)

This is how you pegang that thing just like a man. Mr. Khairul cakap... I macam ada experience je pegang that thing. Huh? What to do, I'm a fast learner.

Muka toya tengah cari idea nak menggila dalam opis. Baju Rotax Max (free), topi HM Aerospace (free jugak), Jeans RM19.90 kat Teo Soon Huat langkawi. Belt (ntah brape hinggit, listener kasik), anak seluar (RM29.90 for 3, dekat2 RM10 selai), Gelang (Labradorite RM80, Moonstone RM80, Garnet RM130)


Muka Jahat bila dah dapat idea. Tapi mangsa (Mr. Fazli) not co-operating. Dia dah tau sebab kecoh2.

Mangsa (Mr. Sugu Daddy) yang oblivious apa yang berlaku dibelakangnya.

Sakit perut tahan gelak dengan Mr. Khairul (juru kamera henpon aka tukang amik gamba).

Like the old arab saying- Life is like cucumber (or any hard, long thing of plant origin), today in your hands, tomorrow up your ass.

Hmmm... Hahaha....

Of Love and Long Dead Saint...

I dont care about the history behind the lore.

About some religion triumph over another or about roses and chocolates and gifts. About candlelight dinner or some cheesy romantic escapade for two.

About promises and all the "I love yous' ".

I celebrate tonight my love for my baby.

Yes. I've celebrated.

It's been a wonderful seven months together. Ups and downs. The laughter, the tears, the break-ups and make-ups. The slamming of the door, the pleading puppy-dog like text messages to come back. I'll remember it all. I hope this love will never end.

True love is like a ghost. Everybody talks about it, But not many has really seen it. I am among those who've seen it.

As for my friends, who are reading this (you know who you are!). What ever I did, good or bad, I love you all.

Loving ones friends is like sitting in front of the TV and being forced to watch their favorite movies. You have to watch it, but you dont have to like it.

We've been very patient, we've endured. I'm attached. Hopelessly in love with someone. Hope you (all of my single friends) will find someone who loves them, and who they'll love back (exactly in that order) dont be like yours truly here, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me at the begining, who's still in denial about loving me at the moment- I'm masochistic!

Anyway, thank you baby for that lovely, unforgetable gift. I love you more than when I first saw you (as in saw you in THAT WAY kind of saw) seven months back.

All been said... Goodnight world.

Ms. Mirinda (she demam she said) and Me having pre-Valentines' Dinner @ Pizza Ria downstairs.

Ms. Mirinda (demam katanya) makan banyak siot!

Of Karma and the Rules of Attraction...

Faulty karma running full swing...

Do you believe in Karma? It's like what you give, you'll receive back. There's also the Law of Three. You do good, you do bad, you give, you'll get back three-fold.

Then there's the rules of Attraction. Not the movie you dummy. It's a good movie though. The rule says that if you want something often enough, bad enough, you'll get it. But becareful what you're wishing for.

It might come true but not as you expected it to be. You wish to be with someone. You get that someone, but that person might not love you the way you love him/her.

Something to Think About...

This is not about me.

Imagine two persons in love. One person loves the other more. And suddenly, one of them changed. Without warning. The other one set out to find out and found the reason why the other person changed. He/she's been sleeping with someone else.

Then imagne another couple. Both are quite in love with each other. They have their differences, but they love one another. Then the stress of life got to them. As a revenge, one of them went out to test the water and made out (making out means whatever things people do prior to sex, minus the sex) with someone he/she barely knew. He/she actually told his/her partner about this saying something like it's all your fault, if you hadn't hurt/ignore me in the first place, that'll never have happened.

What would one do in these kind of situations?

You be flexible? You stretch you patience until you finally gave out and break? Turn the other cheek, close your eyes and say "Anything, in the name of love"?

I'm too tired to think.

It's not about me anyway, so why should I care?

What I did today: Slept late last night (Am not telling what I did *Blush). Woke up early, prepared a hot bath for my baby, finish up the unfinished script for the 8th HM Aerospace Wing Presentation Ceremony. Dropped by the office. Printed the thing. MCed the function.

About the function. It all went smoothly. I always have this pre-notion about rich peoples' kids, but the guys are cool, respectful, which was totally unexpected. I joked, made people laugh, was quite popular with the parents, some actually came up to me, complementing me, made me blush. None actually asked for my contact number doh... So I'm not that good after all. Then I left without going to the luncheon. But the organizer must've hated me for the rates I'm charging them.

Stopped by the Bread Story to see Ms. Siti Hanim. Today's Little Desi's Birthday Celebration at Pantai Pasir Tengkorak (About 1 hour from Kuah- Where I live...). She said Mr. Hazani is coming back to Langkawi today and he'll be driving us there (what she didn't say was yours truly kena pickup him later at the Jetty... Dang... Traffic at the Jetty Point at 2pm was terrible!)

So I bought a hot dog and ate that in the car and drove home and do my favorite thing that I love most- Stripped naked and laid on the bed (simply- Paradise!) Then I made a mistake of sending a text message to Mr. Hazani saying that I'll be picking him up later, to which he replied he's arriving in 5 minutes, which means... I kena pakai baju balik, keluar and go pick him up right away. Isk!

So I went. Then we went to pick up Ms. Siti Hanim, then went back cos they want to mandi first. Then We picked up Ms. Ina and we went. In the car, I passed my time by staring at her (big) boobs shaking whenever Mr. Hazani hit uneven parts of the road. Then I'd announce how hard it shook in term of the richter scale. I know it's bad for me to make fun of other peoples' boobs but tt was fun.

Had a great time picking up people and dunking them into the sea without their consent. Muahaha... Victims were 2 McDs staff handling the birthday bash and of course Cik Ina Montel or maybe I should call her Cik Montel-ina as in Montelina?

Had great fun there tho I didn't mandi at all. I ate like a pig and slept all the way back to Kuah.

Now I am so damn tired. Called my baby to say hi (tanggungjawab kena jaga... Muahaha...)

Oh, yesterday I ran into someone who did something nasty to me a few years ago at the hotel.

So it was P.B.T. to the max. P.B.T. stands for Pay Back Time. As the classic saying goes "Revenge is a dish, best served cold".

Let's just say, what one can do to me, I can do much worst.

I'll Say... I Knew It...

December 30 2007- "My Other Baby" (That'll be Dat Fooking Rover) Broke Down.



December 31 2007- Sent "My Other Baby" to a mechanic to have it fixed. No rain in Langkawi from December 30 2007 -February 1 2008.



February 2 2008- Finally "My Other Baby" came out, looking shiny, polished, clean. Today it rained heavily for half an hour in Langkawi. Hmmm... Dah agak dah.


Argh... Asthma attack... Script for todays' rehearsal tak siap lagi, skrip konti for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday tak siap lagi, the playlists, View Points, Malaysia Gemilang. Guling-guling atas lantai sambil meraung. Hehehe... Stereotipically over-acting (Erma Fatima+ Ogy Mat Daud rolled in one). Hehehe...

My Baby and I made peace liao. It's good to have someone I can really talk to. Azam tahun baru takmo gaduh2. But shit happens.

Kesian my baby. Wisdom tooth breaking out, shoulder-blade painful, back-pain and some other "injuries" in places that cannot be listed if here, if I want to keep this as 18U as possible. Hehehe...

From garang, segarang-garangnya, to manja, semanja-manjanya... Ngeee.. Enuff about my baby.

Anyway, I miss you lah "My Other Baby" :P

I miss you too, My baby.

Pix of "My Other Baby"

I know it's an old pix, will snap a photo of it to show its' true beauty later.

Looking for Something Real... In My Nightmare

Bored to death. Frustrated. Mostly Bored. Too much work. Too little motivation to do any of it. Not in the mood to clean the house. Not in the mood to meet someone new. Broke. Tired.

So melancholic. So polemic (whatever that means)...

Looking for Something Real

(Arousal is not intended with this partial nudity)

I found one.

I'm in love.

True to my horoscope, once this stupid crab finds someone or someones' toe that he likes, he'll hold on to him or her, even if it means losing a pair of claws or two.

If love is blind and falling in ove means being vulnerable, then I am, both blind and vulnerable at the moment. But only for that one person.

It's funny how I spent the day (more like two days of my off day) doing nothing. I was so depressed. I was mentally preparing for the worst that can happen between me and my baby.

I try to recall what really happened that day. Then I realised, all the pain that me and my baby were feeling at THAT particular moment doesn't mean anything.

Then I went out for a drink with Mr. Lee. It's been months since we last went out for a drink. So out we went to Saloma Cafe in Dataran Lang. Suprisingly, I was not hungry at all. So I ordered my drink(s) (dry season, drink more water and juices), and we chatted away.

Just two attached guys, talking, coping with problems, comparing notes (this one is not true lah!). We had a great time. Just to see an old friend and chatting like we used too. It seems that we're both been very busy lately. So much to chat about.

Then when I turned around (my crab senses was tingling all over, no shit!) I saw my baby driving pass. Once, twice. So I called my baby and suprisingly my baby answered my call. So, talk about turning a frown upside down (or issit the other way around? Not so expert when it comes to idioms anyway)...

Now, I think, what I've learned for these past few hectic days of my life is that. Everybody have their own personal definition of love. One maybe lucky in love while the other may not be so lucky.

So I'll settle down with this love, or what ever it really is with my baby.

For better or worst.

I spent the day infront of the computer learning new skill on Photoshop... The result...

In My Nightmare...