Seriously Speaking...

I know everyone's I know (including my friends, my co-workers, a select few...) are reading this... But I have to get this out of my mind somehow...

Here goes...

When I'm with you... Everything I feel, they're so real.

Vivid.

Yeap, that's the word.

When we're happy, I'm so happy. When we're not, I'm not happy.

It's always about you.

Just you.

Then what about me?

I am not happy now. Does that mean anything to you?

I am a man who seeks structure in my live. Failing to find it, should I fall apart?

Bored...

You Have Your Sarcastic Moments

While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious.

How Sarcastic Are You?

You Will Not Be a Cool Parent

You may not realize it, but your fighting style is definitely hurting your relationships. Lay off the name calling and personal insults. It's not getting you anywhere. Instead, focus on compromise, kindness, and resolving conflict. You'll be surprised how far a little fair fighting will take you!

Do You Fight Fair?

You Are Pretty Happy Being Single

You have a full, fun life. And you definitely don't need love to be content. Of course, being single can get you down a little. Especially when you've been single for a while. But you know how to be patient and wait for the right person. You're life is too good to settle for anything!

Are You Happy Being Single?

You Are From Pluto

You are a dark, mysterious soul, full of magic and the secrets of the universe. You can get the scoop on anything, but you keep your own secrets locked in your heart. You love change and you use it to your advantage, whether by choice or chance. You don't like to compromise, to the point of being self-destructive with your stubborness. Live life with love, and your deep powers will open the world to you.

What Planet Are You From?

Note to self: Riiiiiigggggghhhhttttt... Too late... Damage's done... Not the same anymore. And by the way... Pluto's not a planet anymore...

Here's what stupid song I find myself singing today... I better get help soon...

Drowned World/Substitute For Love by Madonna

(You see)
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Somethings cannot be bought

I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly

And now I find
I've changed my mind

(You see)
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone

I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

Mmmmm, ooohhh, mmmmm
Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark
Mmmmm, mmmmm

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Mmmmm, mmmmm
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

(You see)
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

Swinging from 2 Extremes

I've got a suitcase in my hand
Filled with stuff most precious to me
Sidewalk brings my feet
Wherever they're headed.

There is no directions given
Just some trust in human mind to rely on
And to hold on to.

Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days.
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast
My mind in complete haze.

I pass by
Don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me

I'm fooled by something inside my head.
If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead
Just keep on wasting time.

Scary thoughts and frightening sounds
In my mind still I try avoid it
Heading through this hope not one-way alley

I can't really sense my surroundings
Seems to be all dark around.
Nothing there, to lighten up my way.

Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days.
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast.
My mind is complete haze.

I pass by
Don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me

I'm fooled by something inside my head
If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead

Have a Cigar...

My horoscope for August 20, 2007

Work on your relationship with yourself -- self-nurturing is a very fun thing to do!

You can usually trust your intuition, but today you need to use cold, hard logic -- especially on the job. Before you sign anything, make sure you know that every last detail has been verified.

Note to self: Too much speculations and gossips as for why am I being different at the office nowdays...

My friends' horoscope for August 20, 2007

Things will go more smoothly today if you can find someone to partner up with.

Listen to your emotions and let them dictate the day's activities (within reason, of course). You may have been keeping yourself from telling a friend what they really need to hear, or asking out that one crush.

Note to self: This week's gonna be a very long, lonely, miserable week. Later gotta go do some shopping... Gotta restock my fridge. Am so not going out, unless ran out of ciggies, gas for the car and to go to work, or the house is burning down. PERIOD( . )


My horoscope for August 21, 2007

Changing this flow of energy would be hard, so why bother? Ride it like a wave.

Your community spirit is quite active right now, and you may want to explore new options for volunteering or getting involved in some other way. You may inspire your friends and family to join you.

Note to self: Exploring for new options. Yes, HELL YEAH!!! Friends and family to join? I DONT THINK SO!!!


My friends' horoscope for August 21, 2007

You can't force a relationship to a deeper level alone. It must be a team effort.

You're at your best working as part of a team right now, and ought to be able to energize your coworkers even if you aren't the *titular leader. Show them how it's done, and keep up the cheerleading!

Note to self:

Tit what? TITular? WTF? Team effort? I was thinking more of a PAIRED EFFORT... Team effort meh? Dunwan lo... Yea... The more the merrier they say...

Siao... I dont do gang bang...

So we fought again. Like it's something new. It's like wake up.. Got nothing to do. Fight. Having lunch together just before I go to work. No black pepper, fight. Can't decide if we should go to a waterfall instead of a beach, fight. Ice blended or hot, fight. McDs or Steamboat, fight. Go fill up the gas for the car first or should we go jalan2 first? Can't decide? Nevermind, we can fight this out. Bored before going to bed, call me up and fight. Ordering fish for 1 person to makan, kerapu or jenahak or siakap? Are you sure you can identify the damn fish? FIGHT! Clear enuff?

Anyway, that's the latest update. sounds like fun right?

When my astrologer said this relationship is going to be "volatile", I was expecting fireworks in the sky. Turns out it's a bomb in a box, infront my my face. Maybe this time out thingy can sort things out. Great. No fun fighting anymore.

So I've been posting bad bad things lately... I dont want to be identified as a miserable people person at the moment.

Anyway, been doing some garden with tweezers and nostril hair clipper... My drosera spatulata is "a very well-groomed" CP. Guess what I found nestled among the wet sticky tentacly leaves??? Drosera spatulata babies!

I guess the plant must be lonely. Very lonely. Instead of reproducing "the normal way" it sprouts plantlets right there in the middle of its' hand-shaped leaves...

Remember to wash those hands after doing anything ahem... "private". Waking up one morning only to find Lisham Jr. sprouting up from my right palm would be a nightmare.

Here's a pix... Of my d. spatulata.

No... I'm not going to publish a pix of Lisham Jr. right here... I shy, u know???

The green stringy plant is d. indica- the insect constrictor.

Tears dries... Wound heals...

This feels so bad. I dont want this anymore.

I wished for things to stop. Almost had my wish.

I drove 100++km/h last night to get home to sleep. On 2 flat front tyres. They're smashed. The car should've swerved off the cliff last night.

I give up.

Its dark in here
Visions are flashing into my head
As I reminisce
My reoccuring dreams
and you said
Im falling, falling for you babe,
And my feelings are gettin stronger,
So why dont you stay with me for a
For a little longer

Come here boy,
Oh come here boy,
Come here boy
Oh come here boy

I know that my face
Is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes
I can tell by your body heat

Why are you taking so long
You need to come and find me, honey
To set your mind at rest
And let your dreams run free.

You know, Im no stranger in your dreams

Im craving Im howling Im begging and pleading
Be mine tonight

Oh and Im waiting Im dying, Im wanting and needing
To show you a night

Where Ill be touching and holding caressing and giving you
Your every fantasy
Ill get you dreaming and lusting burning and praying
For more of this ecstasy.


Note to self:

I'll stop saying things now...

Though I can go on and on about this particular someone.

Keeping a person close to your heart is a risky thing to do... One well placed jab and you're dead.

But death is kinder than this. At least when you're dead, you dont feel anything else.

So tears dries... Wounds, they will heal over time... Not without a trace... Not without a scar...

Just a Test...

I know I've been a bit lazy updating this blog... Lazy updating and totally ignoring until I consider delete this whole thing are two different things... That too have crossed my mind.

Decisions... Decisions... Decisions... Why do have things have to be yes or no? either or? This or that? Yeah, you think that's frustrating...

How bout MAYBE? That's worst than "You answer me... YES? or NO? and you answer me now" question.

it's a case of I'm not telling you, my feeling towards you. I maybe love you... I maybe playing you for a fool (That you are...)

Dammit...

What kind of people would ask someone they love "you do whatever you want to do... I'll do what I want to do... You can't force me to do anything... You can't stop me from doing anything... OK?"

Fine... Whatever... That sums up everything... It's a love-hate-love-hate thing...

We all have flaws... We try to make things better... Some of us just doesn't care... I need to go out and drive fast...

Maybe I'll get lucky tonight... No lucky isn't about sex... I'm way past that...

So it was all a test... Now you know the limit of my patience... Nothing else to break and mend... I failed the test. I'm sorry.

Heaven,
You say it could be heaven ...
But I don't really know ...
Lovers come and go ...
When hot gets a little cold.

Infatuation is just the great anticipation
Of starring in that picture show
Let's wait until the credits roll ...
When hot gets a little cold.

I could get carried away but not anymore ...
What was it I heard you say you love me 'cause I'm strong
I hope that you're not wrong.

Heaven, you say it could be heaven,
Well I don't really know ...
I'll try not to let it show
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...


It could've been one hell of a relationship.

The End.

Note to self: No matter where you run, if you're on the same island... You're bound to meet someone you dont feel like meeting...

After the incident... I dropped A to somewhere... Then i went back and thought of doing something crazy... I put on my clubbing baju (after all this years... it still fits perfectly) and drove all by myself to somewhere... I got one thing on my mind... To get wasted (although I know I'd never do it... I just drove because I know I'd change my mind as soon as I get there)

On the way, my "kawan-kawan dikala gembira je" (friends for fun only) called me... Wah... Like so many months, years even, suddenly they called? There's this super rich fella been asking me out since a few years back, when I say out, I mean out out... As in naik kapal terbang... go somewhere, do something...

Totally ain't me...

But tonight, I'm feeling vulnerable... Yeah right!

I guess when I'm in pain... I sent psychic messages and they'd recieved it loud and clear... And they asked me to go where I am actually was going... parked my car at the car park but didn't get out... On the second thought, I changed my baju clubbing ala2 ricky martin into shorts, singlet and jacket there and then in the car. Walked along the beach up and down dunno how many times until lenguh kaki ini melangkah... It was drizzling... Perfect... Just like Madonnas' The Power of Goodbye music video...

Called a friend that I haven't seen since he arrived to Malaysia, been 6 long months since I met him at the airport. Went for a late supper at Boom Boom Corner.

It's good to be around people who loves plants. We talk about lots of plants...

At least plants doesn't demand this and that other than water+sunlight+food+occasional pruning and trimming... But i didn;t mention that... Dopn't want people to know I am vulnerable at the moment...

Back to plants...

No complications.

No heartache.

Nothing.

Then it's time to say goodbye.

I stopped at the place where I wanted to go... Ok... It's a cheesy club called Enigma. I stopped by the road side and gave A a call- not picking up.

Tried again. Still no answer.

Then came a text message, it reads-

"m at enigma. text u later. "

The best thing to do now is to clear from the area... Kang terserempak kat situ tak ke panjang cerita... I backed up the car slowly I terus pecut kereta balik umah.

Moral of the story- there's no moral in this story. If you want to settle down with someone, no matter how they hurt you... You won't/can't/couldn't hurt them back. Love makes you go numb and dumb. I repeat... DUMB and NUMB.

I missed my cruel usual self... I missed punching people in the face... Breaking someones' jaw with my bare hands, drawing lines on someones' back with forks, poking needles into someones' toenails... Tie someone up and drip burnt rubber onto them.

Tonite, I'm gonna take 5 of those pink pills... Maybe I'll wake up feeling better later... It'll be good if I dont have to wake up at all. I mean what's the point of living, if you often feel dead anyway?

Hmmm...

My horoscope for August 17, 2007

If you've been having a long period of domestic bliss, it may be challenged today.

Your family or roommates are getting on your nerves, and there's only so much you can take before you lash out. It might be a good time to go for a long walk or find some other way to blow off steam.


My friends horoscope for August 17, 2007

You're starting a lot of new projects, but you must let someone else finish them.

Those hot ideas you are so well-known for are coming at a prodigious rate today. It's a good time to kick back and write them down, or send them off to others for implementation. You can snap into action some other time.


My horoscope for August 18, 2007

Your current indecisiveness is a temporary phase. You'll make your decision soon.

Though you may be feeling emotionally stable and secure despite the big events going on around you, now is not the time to make decisions. Leave them to others -- or, better yet, postpone them for a few days.


My friends horoscope for August 18, 2007

Take care of your health today -- both physical and emotional. Avoid conflicts.

It's a great day to really throw yourself into work or some kind of volunteering. Your way with people, already highly refined, is perfect for helping them figure out and meet their needs today.

Note to self:

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you're having is temporary...

This is temporary. No matter how wonderful it feels like...

"Temporary"

T.E.M.P.O.R.A.R.Y.

Tem-po-ra-ri Sebut betul2... Temporary...

Ada paham?

Hmmm... I want more.

Stupid Questions...

I am sitting alone tonight. Not my typical night. At home. With the lights out. With my mp3 playing really really slow, I can't barely make out what song's playing right now.



Some how, something hit the replay button in my head and those silly questions that people have asked me came about my mind.



... Why are you so kind to me?



... If supposed I tell you I like you a lot, is there any possibility for you to like to me too?



... Are you a kept person?



... Married?



... Ok, I can get that you're modern thinking and all, but why are you still single?



... You must lead a very interesting life, right?



... Why can't you love me too?



... Saya nak jadi isteri nombor 2 abang, boleh?



... Are you dead?



But the winner of them all...



... You said you cannot live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?



Right.



Maybe for some people, they heal fast. I am me. I heal at my own pace.




My horoscope for August 16, 2007

If you stay open to differing ideas, you'll get insight that others would kill for.



Some small problem at home -- plumbing or wiring or something smaller -- won't go away. Now is a great time to deal with this type of issue, as your mind is more fully focused on practical concerns. (my kitchen sink is blocked again... water dripping from the bottom... another reason not to cook at home and not having to do the dishes... i love it!)






My friends' horoscope for August 16, 2007

Ready for action? You'd better be, because something exciting is coming your way. (as much as i want to say something here... I'll say no comment)



Your powerful, positive energy is keeping that smile going, even if you're in the middle of a double-shift or dining with the in-laws. Somehow, even paying bills can be fun on a day like today.



Note to self: 2 days break... Better at least achieve something noticable... Caladiums needs repotting... Pitcher plants needs to be rearranged and some needs to be repotted... Laundry, CD bag needs updating... Drop scripts for work. Shave under arm hair... too long oledi (you didn't need to know that... But sharing is caring) need to to my pubic hair too... Wakakakaka... Chill out beb...



That's the problem problem with me... I'm always like that. I can cry for no reason but I don't cry often enough... I mean when you're hurt, you cry... That's therapy... I'm in desperate need of therapy at the moment... Pulling out own nostril hair is out of the question... It makes me cry.. But nostril hair are there for a reason... to filter out.... I know... I'm being Mr. Smarty Pants... Again!



Neway... 2 days break... is going to be a bliss...

Remember that day and remember today...

My horoscope for August 14, 2007

You're relating better to other people right now, and your communication is good.

Your eye for detail has never been sharper, and you can spot small flaws in almost any plan. Whether they're worth fixing is another issue -- you may be better off keeping your mouth shut for now! (I'd agree to that!)


My friends' horoscope for August 14, 2007

If you are having a hard time communicating with your family, get some distance. (Agreed)

Try to be as clear as you can when speaking with coworkers or customers today, because most people's intuitions are wildly off the mark right now. They could easily misread your intentions and run off from there. (Sorry, didn't mean to)


My horoscope for today says August 15, 2007

When you're at home today, stay totally focused on issues concerning your home. (need to pay the rent, I know...)

You're thinking about a small problem you've been having around the house, and ought to hit on a new and creative solution. That brain of yours kicks out some amazing ideas every now and then! (I know I can, be wjat i want to be...)


My friends' horoscope today says August 15, 2007

You're usually a great source of fun for your people, and today that's doubly true!

You may have reached an impasse with your romantic situation, but you haven't run out of friends with good advice. The hard part is sorting the good stuff from the pointless fluff, but you can do it.


Note to self:

No Notes... Too personal to share... To wonderful not to write it down.

I'll remember 5th July and I'll remember 15th of August.

Theme song for today...

Cinta

(Jaclyn Victor+Misha Omar)

menapak jalan yg menjauh

tentukan arah yg ku mau

tempatan aku pada satu peristiwa

yg membuat hati lara

di dekat engkau aku tenang

sendu matamu penuh tanya

misteri hidup akankah menghilang

dan bahagia di akhir cerita

reff:

cinta,

tegarkan hatiku

tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau

naluriku berkata,

tak ingin terulang lagi

kehilangan cinta,

hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

aku junjung petuahmu

cintai dia yg mencintaiku

hatinya dulu berlayar,

kini telah menepi

bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

di dekat engkau aku tenang

sendu matamu penuh tanya

misteri hidup akankah menghilangdan bahagia di akhir cerita

repeat reff
cinta biar saja ada

yg terjadi biar saja terjadi

bagaimana pun hidup hanya cerita

cerita tentang yg meninggalkan

dan yg ditinggalkan

cinta

We play games and we scored.

Now I know...

FIND ME THE KEY!!!!

I Believe... In Horoscope

The Lighthouse- Upclose and VERY Personal

My horoscope says this week gonna be lame... I was sceptical at first... Now I truly believe...

And I believe that substitute for love is not love. It's just something you make up in your mind. That, and also if you have to change something about yourself just to please someone you love, then it's not love.

Congratulations, you've become someone elses' accessory.

And I believe that being alone is better than to trust someone with your heart.

A friend told me that not being attached and I'd like to stress that my friend is living a high risk life and go for med checks at least once quarterly and he had bad experiences in life before. So this is more of a stern warning rather than an example to follow.

He said, on the long run, paying for "it" is cheaper than getting married or keeping someone. You pay a little bit and then you leave. You can choose to come back, if you get bored, you can find another one or two. No fighting. No jealousy. No expensive "I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me" Gifts. No commitment (Yes, commitments are expensive) . But that's him.

I don't believe in living like that. For me it's like nothing, equals nothing. You're who you date.

My mood swing is difficult enough to cope with. My hyper-tension is getting worst. Love crippled- but that sounds so like sexual dysfunction thingy.

Anyway, I remembeed one person who I "dated" recently. So this person popped out a question- No, it's not will you marry me or can I have your baby or one of those heavy stuff... It goes something like this-

A: If you have to choose, between me and your plants, which one will you choose?

Me:Are you serious?

A: Yes.

Me: Seriously, are you serious?

A: ... (Giving me a "if-you-dont-answer-me-i'm-gonna-throw-a-major-tantrum-at-you" look)

Me: OK, can I have both?

A: NO, choose now... Your plants or me?

Me: If it comes to that extent, I'll choose my plants.

A: I am so not talking to you anymore (you perv!!!!)

End of story.

This love will never work.

Anyway, you love the person you love, not hurt him/her. You can't love a person at your own time as that is so not fair. But nothing's fair in life.

You can be handsome or beautiful and be lonely. You can earn thousands and still be deprived of something. You can surround yourself with friends and still be lonely. You can also be ugly and miserable. Believe me, I've been there and done all that.

And I'd like to end todays' posting with something that suits my feelings at this moment, there's no better choice than a quote by Dorothy Parker (if you don't know Dorothy Parker, forget about dating me... )

'By the time you swear you're his,

Shivering and sighing,

And he vows his passion is...

Infinite, undying,

Lady, make a note of this—

One of you is lying.'

Note to self:

I'd like to put my heart in a stone chest, lock it. Double lock it. Put some chains around it. Store it in a safe. Punch in some random code that I'll not remember. Throw away the keys. And dump the safe into the ocean.

I'm so miserable right now... I won't even date myself.

BORED- CLEAN THE HOUSE - It Works

My horoscope for August 12, 2007

Wanting bigger and better things in your life is fine, but avoid being greedy.

You generally like to think things through, or at least check out the angles, before taking action. Today, though, a crazy impulse is going to seize you, and you would do quite well to follow up on it right away.


My friends' horoscope for August 12, 2007

Pluck the nuttiest idea out of the back corner of your mind -- it's doable today.

It's time for you to let people know what you're really thinking. That could mean anything from making a huge announcement to whispering in the right ears -- as long as you're speaking from the heart.

Note to self: Whaf If? Yeah, WHAT IF?

Today is full of frustration. Hunger. More frustrated than hungry.

Made a breakfast date. tak jadi. Went to see new secondhand bed, the one I want was sold out, the ones left, I'm not too keen, said I'd come back, called later only to be told, too late, someone already bought them.

Went to lunch, sorry bang... Lauk belum siap. Called/text my friends... Nobody bothered to answer.

Dinner date... Tak jadi jugak... Went to work.

After work planned to kidnap Kak CT for breakfast+lunch+dinner+supper in one go but she's not feeling well.

End of story. At home. Hungry. Sad. More hungry than sad. But still sad. Frustrated.

Uwaaa.... Lapo... Sat on my chair in feotal position and starts sobbing... NEVERMIND!

Meal for the day... 3 pink pills to help me sleep. Nyum.


My horoscope today says August 13, 2007

Make connecting with others a priority in your day, and you won't regret it. (Riiiiiiggggghhhtttttt!)

You're feeling pretty good about a recent development, and now is a great time to spread the word -- or at least to talk about building on it. Most people are ready to hear what you've got to say. (I've nothing to say... Even if I do, I'm not saying anything... You can't make me, you can't force me, "No" doesn't mean yes, "No" doesn't even mean maybe, "No" means "NO!". Which part of "NO" that you dont understand?)



My friends' Horoscope says August 13, 2007

If an email correspondence has gotten out of hand, opt for a face-to-face meeting. (I dont get it)

A bizarre exchange with your spouse, child or some other family member leaves you each feeling a little hurt and confused. Only later will you realize that you both misunderstood the other pretty deeply. (Maybe, Maybe NOT!)

Note to self: First and foremost, I dont want to make any connection(s) whatsoever.
Secondly, a misunderstanding? Which part of "NO" did I didn't get clearly? Thirdly, I'm out of insults.

Good nite. The End.

Hot Gets a Little Cold

Just got home.

Tired.

More frustrated than tired.

I got a lot to say but don't feel like saying things.

It's like pleasure-pain-pleasure-pain thingy. It's like ciggies. It's bad. I know it's bad, but still I smoke.

I got into a street car racing earlier tonight. Some crazy chick in tudung driving an Unser...

Almost lost control of the car, she's good. I imagined if I'd ever find myself wanting to marry, I'd marry someone like her. Which explains why I am still single.

Anyway, I dont feel like saying anything tonight.

Temptation. Consent under false pretense or issit pretence? Denial. Frustration.

I better go shower and hit the bed.

Langkawi is so hot today.

Headache.

I'm lonely.

Kejap nak jiwang sat... Ahem...

People say that love would set me free, but I'm still a prisoner of your love.

Tepuk dahi and starts nyanyi lagu Setelah Aku Kau Miliki by Shima.

Maybe Starbux Apple Juice causes people to be extra sensitive... Heh? Extra Sensitive? Sounds like condom label only.

There... All of the main points of my story today in riddles... While taking time to decipher this... How bout me sharing the song I'm listening to while pounding away... At the keyboard... Tu mula nak blue ler tu...


Black Mamba by The Academy Is...

We've got one chance to break out
And we need it now
'Cause I'm sick and tired of waiting
Sick of this fucking apartment

Love me or leave me or rip me apart
This is the voice that I was given and
If you don't like it take a long walk
Off of the shortest pier you can find
And I'll be singing it out I'll be singing...

Oh, Mr. MagazineI never wrote one single thing for you
Or your so-called music scene
You don't mean a thing to me

Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up, you need it too
Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up

When they review the debut
What if the critics hate you
Don't worry cause they
Might just catch somebody off their feet

Well they can love it or leave it or rip it apart
We're living what we're singing
So I guess that's a step in the right direction
Clever composition and the honesty, honesty

Oh, Mr. Magazine
I never wrote one single thing for you
Or your so-called music scene
You both mean shit to me

Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up, you need it too
Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up

So save your breath and the money you spent
Go work in retail and spare the suspense
Just don't take chances on anything at all
Anything at all
So afraid of anything that may not come that easy
Too afraid of anything you may not have seen before
So afraid of anything that may not come that easy
Too afraid of anything that may not...

Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up, you need it too
Pick it up, pick it up, what you wanted
Pick it up, pick it up

So save your breath and the money you spent
Go work in retail and spare the suspense
Just don't take chances on anything at all
Anything at all
So save your breath and the money you spent
Go work in retail and spare the suspense
Just don't take chances on anything at all
Anything at all

Feeling High

You know you're in trouble when someone close to you says "We need to talk..." then "What if...?" and then there's the compulsory "Will you...?" and then there's "Let's just say" and of course "If it happens like this, what will happen to us?"

And of course there's "Let's say it happens, what will you do?" Pause. Then "I want to know" and sure "I want to know NOW"

Adei!

Headache.

Just some excerpt from a conversation I had with someone. It happened while I was driving somewhere dark and the road was like hilly with dangerous curves. Well it happened over supper and continued until I reached home. I was chewing my roti boom supper drench in oily butter-chicken. Feels like chewing at your own kulit kaki or getah tayar basikal when the person talking put out a serious face and asked me those question.

Imagine keeping a good composure, trying to look cool and answering those question coming out from someone you like. They came out like bullets from a machine gun. You can dodge all you want but...

Speaking of dodging things... My friends' friends and my own friends are getting suspicious. I said that if they asked too many questions, we'll just put them in a sack with some rocks and throw them into the sea.

More questions came out... Bad move.

Anyway, the "What if?" question is scary. It makes you think... "Yeah, what if..."

OK. Most of the time I'll forget about things as soon as I type them down. But this stupid "What if?" still stuck to my mind. I drove around all night just now, having no where to go and not feeling like going anywhere. Just drove aimlessly. Yeah "What if?"

Anyway, we meet people, we cherish them when they're with us, remember them when they're not.

Something you can forget, once the thing slips into the past, you can't really change things. You can say you're sorry, you're forgiven but for what it worth, you did that and you'll live the rest of your life feeling sorry, or grateful thinking you did what you did.

It could be better, it could be much worst.

As for how am I feeling right now... While I was driving, I thought to myself, I was depressed because of money. I was broke a few weeks back, now I got money, I am still depressed.

I was depressed, pining for someone and something to happen. Now it happened, it's like I'm hoping for it never to end. Hoping for something more. Hoping for something that I can't place my finger on.

It's like chasing to have a handshkae with your own shadow. I think the person is like my own shadow.

I think I've got too much coffee. Double Shot Chocolate Chip Affugatto (I hentam eja je, sorry beb kalo silap) Venti Size is getting to my head.

And then there's another conversation that I had with someone. This person wants to know about what I do, you know... Ok la. I'm open-minded but to a certain degree. I have my lines drawn somewhere between being promiscuous (in my mind only ler, mind you!) and being "friendly" ("friendly" as in you ask, I'll never say no, not even maybe) with strangers (in some peoples' mind, I am).

So this person wants to know about my sex life. Ciss... Apa kebenda punya soklan daa... Malu siot!

If the questions above were like machine gun bullets, this one's a cannon ball aimed directly to the head. Garu kepala nak menjawabnya.

Last-last I bertukar jadi CT No-Hal-iza... I said... "Biarlah Rahsia".

Maybe I should just bite the bullet and settle down. Maybe I should just pack my bag and move on to somewhere where people don't know me and forget about this place. Maybe I should've done that sooner.

Damn stupid horoscope webbie cannot open. So no short horoscope for tonight. Am off to bed. Here's another version instead of the usual version.

Sorry Cancer, this week is going to be a bit lame.

At the beginning of the week your friends will be asking you to go out, but you won't.

Toward the middle of the week you will feel like going out, but then you will cancel at the last minute.

Toward the weekend you will want to go do something finally, but nobody will want to do it with you.

I would suggest you get a good novel to read. It will comfort you in your isolation.

Note to self: That's so typical.

My friends' horoscope:
Beware, this is the week of foist!

Definition of Foist: To force onto another; "He foisted his hands on me".

Stop it.

Really. You think you can just go around and foist your sick demands on people?

I bet you think that people even enjoy all this foisting. Have someone read you something you don't like while being handcuffed.

He does enjoy your foisting.

He is the only one though, and you better realize it soon, or you are likely to end up living in a place no one ever heard of.

Aside from foisting, you will be quite the conversationalist this weekend.

Talk it up.

Me the Robot

This happened on monday. The reason why the conty phone rang like mad. I didn't know what to call it at that time though I've been saying its name over and over again but I know for sure it's not a solar eclipse. Now I know it's called a halo. Halo as in you pick up the phone and say... HALO? You'll have to laugh at that one. The joke's on me. If you don't, I'm sorry for you, you must lead a boring life.

I've been busy, busy, busy lately.

Working, working when I'm not working. when I'm not working when I'm not working, of course there's the house chores waiting for me at home. Then when I'm done, there's the matter of the heart, mind, family, friends, casual friends, potential friends, admirers, potential clients. Ok. I'll stop now.

Anyway, the function dat almost gave me heart attack went on smoothly, now, crossing my fingers for the payment. Sighs. I went there with Ms. Halinas' Mom. She's cool to give me all the moral support I needed at that time. She's cool.

Got my new plants dat day. 1 N. gracillis, 1 D. paradoxa, 1 D. indica, 1 big P. primuliflora, lots of small ones and few n. benstonei seed pods. Will post the pix soon when the plants confirm survive ler.

Anyway back to the vitamin M issue, someone told me that one cannot have enough money, no money how much one earns a month. Right! I can say that's true through my own experience.

So you work and work and work. Earn money. Money plus more money equals happiness. Is that true? I dont think so. You can be broke and happy and you can earn thousands a month and not be happy. Yes, you can be broke and miserable too. I know I sound like myself contradicting myself.

So I am confused.

Anyway, while I'm typing this, I received a text message from a friend, saying- "Sorry, I don't have mood tonight, i don't know why. Good Night". Erk? Man-o-pause.

I am depressed for no reason lately, now I'm still depressed with work. At least now, I'm depressed with reason. See, my mom said there's always a good side of things, even the bad things that happen. Ada hikmah. So I can blame work as the cause of my depression. Seriously i love my job. I talk, you listen. I play songs, you like you listen, you don't like, turn off the radio. easy kan?

It's not work that's making me depressed and angry and wanting to break things. It's the people I work with. Not all, but some of them.

So I just write this down and forget about it tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, cuti 2 hari you... So nice... Wake up late. Go to bed late. Do some gardening, do laundry. Sighs. no cuti is really a cuti ler. Depressed again. Adei!

My horoscope yesterday says August 08, 2007

If you feel sluggish this morning, don't worry. High energy is coming your way.

Take a step outside your comfort zone and see what happens. You might surprise yourself as well as your coworkers or family -- and things might just take a turn for the better afterward! It's worth a shot.

My friends' horoscope yesterday says August 08, 2007

Someone will get moody if they don't get what they want -- but it won't be you. (Eleh! Paku dulang serpih...)

You're filled with positive energy and ready to start talking with that one person who seemingly can't be reached. (Dalam nada comel memberitahu- Hehehe... I left my phone under my car seat, the car was parked downstairs, can't find the keys, had a headache, that's why i can't answer the phone...)

You can find a way. Remember, you can get pretty sneaky when you need to, and they can only hide for so long! (Erk?)

My horoscope today says August 09, 2007


It's a good day to be assertive about what you think and what you want from others.

You're in touch with something deep within you that feels incredibly real. All that good energy can't lie, and you may very well exceed your wildest expectations when it comes to your love life!

My friends' horoscope today says August 09, 2007

Your finances are up in the air now, so play it safe and hold on to your cash.


Your mindset is perfect for thinking about financial situations, so see if you can clear away distractions and really get a handle on your home or business cash flow. Things should settle down pretty soon!

I AM SO FOOKIN TIRED

My horoscope for today - August 07, 2007
If you have a lot of tasks to complete today, teamwork is required. Delegate.

Find a quiet place and listen to your heart. You've got a lot more going on inside than you may have realized, and right now it's easiest to get the message out -- if you're willing. You can make a positive change.

My Friends' Horoscope for today- August 07, 2007

You'll have lots of things going on today, but they'll all keep you entertained.

You don't have to worry about following through on any of your awesome ideas today -- other people ought to pick up any slack you leave. If you spend all day thinking and gabbing, you'll be in heaven.

Note to self: It's scarily matched.

Had a wonderful day on the fifth of August, 5 hours of pleasure, 5 minutes of shitty moment and until now I am left wondering, is it over? Like the saying goes, people won't remember the intro, it's the closing that makes a lasting impression. I hope not!

What I did yesterday- Woke up early feeling like shit. Felt guilty/angry/sad/furious/hollow/sad/furious/betrayed/mostly betrayed/lonely/forget about everything else, I'm feeling lonely.

Tried to say I'm sorry, but no answer.

Went to the office, 5 minutes to 12 got through the phone. OK, that's a good sign. At least the person's talking.

After office went makan with Mr. Lee. Then rushed for a meeting. Typical. The person in charge was not there. Come back later, the guy said. OK. FINE.

Went home. Tired. Wanna go to bed and received an sms, I mean half of an sms. Suspence. It reads- "I've already decided..." Sheeee-it! That's it. Cannot tidoq siang liao.

Went shopping for a Batik Shit, I mean shirt. Bought a nice pair of shoes. Almost bought a few nice baju. Then rushed back, changed and rushed to another meeting. Had to listen to the presentation, then ate the most delicious bihun goreng at KEDA.

OTW home, called a friend, he's not feeling well, so I stopped by the petrol station and bought some pills and coke... No... Bad combination. Stopped at another shop to buy drinking water. Reached his house and waited like 5 minutes before he opened the door. Sighs.

Shud've been like this

Him: Hi, you, thank you for the pills and water...

Me: Neh, dunmentionit.

Him: Come on in, take off your shoes, you look tired, lemme massage your feet.

Me: Ok, let's DO IT!

or

Him: How much do I owe you?

Me: Neh, dunmentionit.

Him: Here's RM50.

or

Him: Thanks.

Me: neh, dunmentionit.

Him: Do you want to stay here tonight? Keep me company? You look like you could use someone to talk to.

Me: (Not saying anything, starts sobbing...)

or

Him: Thanks man.

Me: Neh, dunmentionit.

Him: Thanks.

Me: (Grins)

Him: THANKS!

but it only happened in my mind.

After the long wait, what really happened was

Him: My friend's inside (you can't come in, or else he'll ask a lot of question like "how does a famous person like me, know a famous person like you, without us knowing?" or "It's midnight what's he doin' here at this time?" or "Bleep, Bleep, and more bleeps")

Me: OK. Take the pills. Take care. Goodnight.

Sigh.

Gave him the pills and water and drove home.

Actually, I was not driving, it's more like a scene from Too Fast and Too Furious.

Stopped by Starbux and bought something cream choc chip venti size you...

I'm thristy.

Reached home, watered the plants and repotted the sarracenia which went into dormancy a few months ago... Wakey Wakey time for them.

Just finished doing the script and update my blog. After this I'm gonna tido without mandi-ing. maybe another round before going to bed...

Pardon me... I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about having another stick of ciggy before I go to bed. Otak blue tol la lu!

Later when I wake up, I'm gonna iron my slacks, iron my new yellowish green baju batik, put on my songkok, put on my new shiny shoes and march with my head up high to my car and become the bestest MC infront of YAB Datin Seri Jeanne Abdullah, the wife of the Prime Minister of Malaysia+ other wives of Prime Ministers of other countries.

I just hope my friends wont see me wearing a batik shirt, shiny shoes and slack and songkok. That's so not me. The shiny shoes adds 5 years to my age, the slack 5 years and batik shirt adds
10 years to my age. I look like a 48 year old. A handsome, stylish 48 year old who drives a hot car, I might add. Dont play play, but still 48 years old. Dammit!

Hopefully, the news crews wont be there with a camera, if they're there, then I'm screwed.

My Theory About Love

Love is when you're in love, you feel loved. But when you often feel like shit... That's not love... Do I need to say more?

What's more depressing than being depressed? That's being deepressed in the middle of the night and knowing that you've flushed your stack of sleeping pills down the toilet earlier today.

The day started so well, went well until a few minutes before midnight, then things started to fucked up. Maybe I'm better off alone.

The things that I'll do to myself right now to stop this pain.

I still want more...

Something for the mind for today, a lyric to a song forgotten a long long time ago.


I know how to hurt

I know how to heal

I know what to show

And what to conceal

I know when to talk

And I know when to touch

No one ever died from wanting too much



The world is not enough

But it is such a perfect place to start, my love

And if you're strong enough

Together we can take the world apart, my love



People like us

Know how to survive

There's no point in living

If you can't feel the life

We know when to kiss

And we know when to kill

If we can't have it all

Then nobody will



The world is not enough

But it is such a perfect place to start, my love

And if you're strong enough

Together we can take the world apart, my love



I feel safe

I feel scared

I feel ready

And yet unprepared

The world is not enough

But it is such a perfect place to start, my love

And if you're strong enough

Together we can take the world apart, my love



The world is not enough

The world is not enough

No Nowhere near enough,

The world is not enough




My horoscope yesterday says August 04, 2007

Go ahead and socialize with that new person. It will be interesting for you both.

You're feeling somewhat nostalgic, and might mine a rich vein of memories that you haven't spent any time on in ages. It might even spur a decision to take a new direction in your life if you aren't careful!


My friends' August 04, 2007

If you are feeling uncomfortable, you owe it to yourself to ask some questions.

You run into someone you don't know very well, and this person has exciting news. It could be related to work or finance, but it could just as easily be a grab bag -- so get ready for something wild in the near future!


Mine today says August 05, 2007

When was the last time you hosted a dinner party? Step up to the role of host.

It's a great day to mix it up with people, from old friends to new customers. Your winning smile should set almost everyone at ease, and you may find that negotiations and reconciliations go quite well.


My friends' August 05, 2007

Make sure you're doing what you're doing right now for all the right reasons.

You're finding a few more obstacles than you had expected, but the good news is that they're not permanent barriers! Your big brain should help you figure out sneaky ways to get around them soon.

I Want More!

Like looking at the sun...


You imagine the sun to be hot, hot, super hot.


But then again, you'll never know how hot the sun is, until you have it, or part of it in your hands. maybe it's hot because your mind told you so.


Maybe it's not as hot as you imagined after all.

I'm branching out...

Yes, I'm branching out. From Neps and Neps and more Neps, I've gone gaga over sarracenia, drosera and venus fly-trap (VFTs if they exists naturally in Malaysia, they'd be called Perangkap Lalat Puteri Gunung Ledang or Perangkap Lalat Mahsuri or Perangkap Lalat Tun Teja- SIGHS).

Unlike neps and sarracenia (which utilizes pitcher style traps to drown and digest their victims) Drosera traps their makan with tentacles topped with sticky goo. They shine in morning light so me being not so a morning person sometimes wakes up in time to see the morning light on them, they shine! More Drosera coming soon.

VFTs pulak uses bear-trap like traps. They're cute... Like kerang pontianak (cockels, bitten by a vampire with serious dental problem). They're doing OK, I guess as they survived the first week and then they started putting out new traps. Dia punya trap is triggered by stout hair looking like new under arm hair. 3 on each side. Sekali triggered will make them close slightly only. Then more stimulation (I just love that word, STIMULATION) is needed to make em go zippit and starts digesting the thing that stimulated the hair (sounds abit off, I know...)

So here's the good part... the pix...

Drosera Adelaea (doing the aerobics kick and shining in the morning light)

Drosera spatulata (note the clenched end of the big leaf, it's digesting something!)

Venus Fly-trap Red Form (VFT)

VFT Tall and Thin Green Form

VFT Short and Stout Green Form (saying- feed me Lisham, feed me!)

N. truncata

This is a pix of my n. truncata orange peristome that I got from 4zeplant. It arrived with a good pitcher (which like rihanna- good pitcher gone bad after being sent through post) and 1 small pitcher bud. This is a pix of the teeny tiny pitcher bud, all grown up, with mouth open begging for makan.

This is what I found when I "wikipedia"ed about n. truncata.

Nepenthes truncata (Latin: truncatus = terminating abruptly) is a carnivorous pitcher plant species endemic to the island of Mindanao in the Philippines. The typical form grows on exposed mountainsides at an altitude of between 230 and 600 m; a highland variety grows at higher elevations. N. truncata is characterised by its heart-shaped (truncate) leaves and very large pitchers, which can reach up to 50 cm in height.

On September 29, 2006, at the Botanical Gardens in Lyon, France, a Nepenthes truncata was photographed containing the decomposing corpse of a mouse. This incident is the first record of a mammal being successfully trapped in the pitchers of N. truncata. Both N. rajah and N. rafflesiana are known to occasionally catch small mammals in the wild.